Cliché, but if there is a will there is a way!

I’m in the midst of a battle, I find myself wrestling between what I once was, what I let myself become and who I want to be.  It’s this constant struggle between my life limitations,  having enough time and my daily grind, which is persistently seeking to take over the power of my true visions and knock me off course.

It’s a fight between happy complacency, financial survival, love and being boxed in by other priorities. A conflict between my mind telling me what I cannot do and the part of me that knows, and has always known, that we are what we surrender ourselves too. Thus, I know we are also that of which we ultimately decide what we want to think, who we want to be spiritually,  physically and how we find our balance between it all.

There is so much more than settling to being byproducts of our self- formed environments, our jobs, our relationships, our marriages and our unfulfilled dreams. We can choose to be changed. However, that choice needs to be backed-up with an unrelenting will to attain and not give up.  So, cliché, but if there is a will there is a way!

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Hello, it’s me…

For blog less sakes! You poor neglected website of mine! You’re looking a little dated.  I know I need to give some attention here, defiantly needing some updating and fresh captivating words. Heck, even a tad smear of lip service and smack talk might light you up. But it would appear the “writer” part of me has taken a bit of a hiatus and can’t even manage all the hours in the day as it is. So, although out of site, not out of mind…

I sit here hymning and hawing over some sort of appropriate public inscribing inspiration to pick apart and make for some interesting typeset across the screen. Trust me; I painstakingly want to sing some praises and dance my fingers across this here keyboard to make my miraculous way out of mute mode.

However, the grappling over funnies, motivational, or inspirational, nonetheless analytical and passionate and all the other what’s and have not’s competing over my thoughts to get out and onto the sharing spotlight has left me paused with a blinking cursor and not knowing where to begin.

And like some repeating stuck in my head song lyric, this cursor keeps backing it up, backing it up, urgh again!  I came to author and get down, so let me begin!  But no my mind is working to the rhythm of “Hey Lady, put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!”

But really, I’m like “Hello, it’s me!” here in Cali dreaming of who I use to be. Yup,  It’s so typical of me to talk about myself, I’m sorry I hope that you’re all well. All I got is just a Hello from the outside.

At least I can say that today that I tried…

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Simple things that mind screw us..

When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you! Encouragement should come from inside”

I know this!  But I guess sometimes I put too many expectations on myself and those around me. Or perhaps, I just remember past parallel memories and hold fast to how that experience was and expect it to be the same this time around too.

I remember a few different times in my life  when I was going through this similar kind of journey I am now. Especially the most recent, when I made significant changes in my body.   During that time I would get a lot of my motivation and encouragement through attention and simple validations from other people, “you look so good!”,“ OMG!, have you lost weight?”, “ you seem to have a lot of energy” , “ What’s different about you?” ,  “you working out?”,  “ your abs are so hard”, ” your body is amazing”, “ you should compete”, “you should become a personal trainer”……

For the record, I am the wiser; I know in my heart that I don’t need validation from anyone to know my own beauty or worth.  I don’t care how liberated or confident you are. Trust me, I like to consider myself both.  It’s just that when you hear it, it does affirm all that you’re doing and boost the ego slightly enough to push and drive you to do more.

For me it gives me that extra motivation to keep going  when I’m doubting my progress , in turn it substantiates all the hard work and effort  I’ve put in to any given point.  On the contrary, when you aren’t hearing it, you wonder and begin to doubt your self-improvements.   Maybe you don’t? But I do!

With that being said, I suppose it’s just not noticeable enough at this point of dropping 2 pants sizes and nearly 20 pounds to expect walking in a room full of  people and be showered with self- esteem endorsements.  True that, “the surest way to lose self-worth is by trying to find it through the eyes of others.”

The simple things that mind screw us are the skewed pictures in our own heads of how we visualize it’s going to be and what we expect of people around us to react. I know this… expectation defiantly feeds frustration! Whether it is my own or those of which I want to draw support from.  For the sake of sanity, something I defiantly need to let go of!

Perhaps right now my expectation verses my reality is just way off?  What I need and what I think a lot of other people need too is a lot more patience with themselves. Instead of letting disappointment and doubt creep its ugly head into our consciousness.  Perhaps, a little self-preservation and faith knowing in time the pronounced accolades will come.

Not that we need them, Not that I need them, because we certainly don’t!  However, the skinnies we all want to hear will be heard when you’ve actually worked hard enough to surpass beyond notice. All knowing, without comparing the past, that they will come when they are finally obvious and apparent to others beyond recognition, or when you start to wear the clothes that prove you’ve done the work,  that is when (in time) they will be true , genuine and well earned .

 

 

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All or Nothing..

It would appear my daily practice of writing has kind of gone to the curbside. Not that I don’t have anything to say or that I think it’s all garbage.  I defiantly put my two cents out there more often than not. Ha! My IG page proves it.  But those tidbits are usually only snapshot of moments in very few words.

I reckon when it comes to this blogging business I feel I have to put more effort into it than what I got going on right now.  I’m so like that…All or Nothing!  I suppose I also feel like if I’m going to “blog” it has to be of a minimal word count and that it has to have some sort of interesting vibe or substance to it.  Yeah, like what writer doesn’t want to capture reader’s attention.  Right!?

All this writers’ anxiety has got me twisted crazy and left me with days of blanks pages! I should just write for the passion I have doing so and not analyze my thoughts so much, nonetheless not worry so much about  content, word count and all the above that goes along with what has been deemed  by others as  this “gift”.

Though in all fairness to myself when I think beyond just the guts and the glory I get from writing and trying to give it my all, I ask myself, “why” I haven’t been lately. It makes me realize how much of Type A I am, one in which I ‘m more compulsive – obsessive than I’d like to admit.

While I’m at this self- diagnosis of personality disorders, I guess I’m more of ISTJ type (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking and Judging).  Although, I‘d like to think I’m not so much in the  introverted sensing but with extroverted thinking. Hence, that’s were my writing comes in and overshadows my everyday speaking and the need to express myself in the way that I do.   I defiantly don’t speak the way I articulate myself in words.  Although, I do speak a lot of sarcasm and that is often conveyed through my writing as well.

Well then “why!?” you may ask?  Well, I think? At least perhaps have my own self- analyzed theory would be that I’m also a hyper-focused duty fulfiller. So when I get in these modes like this nothing else matters.

And, what does that mean?  Well, I get in these life modes if you will.  I find my primary mode of living focused a lot internally, where in moments I take things in so literal and so concrete that I get hyper-focused on what it is that I’m trying to achieve.  Like right now, my primary focus has not been on writing but more so on being a person I once was both physically and spiritually.  Not to say that writing is not part of that. I just find myself not focused on the writing as much.

Of course, there is the  “secondary” mode  which is  all external, where I deal with  everyday  mundane things rationally and logically, like brushing my teeth, going to work, making sure my family eats dinner and the laundry is done, etc. It’s a challenge finding the right balance between the internal and external, and thus something always has to give. For me, it’s the maintenance of this blog.

I guess my lack of words can be described as quiet and reserved who is only interested in her own little bubble of security, peaceful living and doing her thing.  Yet, the truth is, right now I have this strong internal sense of selfish duty to myself which lends me to this excessive state elsewhere.  I’m in this serious air and motivation to follow through on what I’ve put my mind too.

Honestly, It’s been struggle to finally get my mind right and in this place.  Years, in fact! But I’m finally feeling like I’m breathing new air so I’m going to do everything in my power to stay the course.  So, yeah my methodical approach to it all is balls to the wall and I’m not allowing other distractions or “passions” if you will take my time and energy from it.   After all, I do have a job, am a mom, wife and other obligations to fulfill daily. So my every day is already limited to a certain amount of time as it is.

So with those limitations, I don’t want to find myself giving tremendous amounts of energy or “time” into doing other things which don’t see as important, like writing or this blog.  I really want to resist putting energy into things which don’t make sense for me or take away from my other focuses right now.

So there you have it…..

But you haven’t heard the last from me…

More to follow…..

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Don’t bother people wearing headphones!

So, it’s been awhile since I took time to inscribing a vent or key stroking a two-cent opinion.  Yet, of all things to make a writing appearance I decide on this…

There a lot of annoyances that I have with going to the gym.  Hence, just one of the many reasons I built a home gym.   I won’t get into all of them here.  However, if there is one thing I can’t stand ….

It is when a staff member approaches me with a bunch of dumb questions! Especially when I have my earphones on, rocking out to some good old school tunes minding my own business. It’s the last thing I want when I’m zoned out in my own heavy breathing and sweat dripping rythym. 

Seriously, I’m here to get in and out and get er done! I’m certainly not here to be social or improve my fake smile and gab game.

So, when I get the extended hand shake while doing cardio. “Hi, I’m blah, blah”,” you look like a new face here?”, “What’s your goal?”, “Have you ever been to a gym before?”, “why did you join?”, “Have you received your complementary free training session?”

As if the integration and “new” member targeted interview wasn’t enough, this little twenty-something- two -pint had the nerve to ask me my age too!  WTF?  Since when was that OK to start asking? Or am I starting to show signs of that too!! Dear god! I don’t need this while I’m already trying to unfuck my mind of being here in the first place!

I dunno?  Ms. Thang, I know you just got your crash course trainers certificate and are eager to write something down on your clipboard, but did I look you in the eyes and ask you to come over and bother me during my last 5 minutes and up and down me?  Or did you just completely ignore the fact that I’m clearly trying not to hear anyone with my headphones on.

Did you not notice I’m trying to stay focused on getting through my own made up HIIT session here on this piece of cardio equipment?  Don’t I look like I know how to operate this elliptical?  It’s running right!?  I’m on it properly going at a decent speed. So why are you bothering me? Which by the way,  your standing in front of it and just completely screwed up the last few minutes I had!

I know I shouldn’t be so annoyed.  Anyone else would probably think that kind of nuisance was just a friendly staff member trying to be of service. And honestly, I think my irritation is more than just someone bothering me while I’m trying to work out. In shape or not, I’ve never liked it!  I wish my resting bitch face could send a silent message and be like…”leave me alone and don’t talk to me while I’m working out!” That goes for staff members, muscle headed douche bags and any other gym creepers.

Well, as much as I want to project my feelings into a simple rude interruption. I think it’s the obvious!  I know,  it’s the fact that I appear to be out of shape and an easy selling target for personal training.  I don’t blame her,  I know it! Years of experience and knowledge working in the field gives this Gym Jane the know-how.

Which only reiterates the obvious reasons to me in the first place as to why I’m back at it grinding away at the gym. Duh! Do I really need to answer that question?   Obviously, to tone up and get the 50lb of “Happily Mrs. Married” for the love of cooking and loving my home body life weight off!

But you see the way I feel about being approached like that, is kind of like a slap in the face and adding to my own guilt of how I got to this place where I’m at physically. Being approached in this sort of context makes me face my own realities even more, because  I know I’m not being approached for no reason at all.

Yeah, it kinda pisses me off and adds to my self induced frustration and anger for letting myself go as far (or as big) as I have.  I know I’m being approached because I “appear”on the surface to need help because my body image says I’m overweight and out of shape!

So yes I know, little does my body now scream to people or give the perception that I worked managing gyms for over 15 years and just over 5 years ago I was on the verge of figure competing.  Yes, even at my age. So, it’s not her fault.

I cant help but get extremely annoyed when asked “Have you ever been to a gym?”  Not only do I want to laugh at them, throw down a dumbbell, and say what’s really on my mind..

“Sweetie, please take your clip board, tape measure, fat caliper, and your 100 insulting questions and go strut off and help someone who is buying what you’re selling! Your not tricking me with the  “free complementary personal training session”  sales tactic used to get me alone to tell them how badly I need to pay hundreds of dollars to someone who is barely textbook educated on fitness.

I may not look like it now, But trust me!  I certainly know how to work out. I know what I need to do and how to get my groove back! Even if I’m old enough to be your mother!   Oh, and by the way, word of advice. Maybe, you shouldn’t bother people wearing headphones!

 

 

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No Shit Mr. Fitness Sherlock!

I noticed today after I got to work and made my first pee pit stop that I put my underwear on inside out.  Well, that’s no surprise being I killed myself with non-stop, trying to be super woman on a mission  activities  yesterday and ended the day only being able to sleep a couple of hours.

As a result, I’m seriously going through the motions of feeling extremely fatigued and not paying attention to dressing myself today is only part of my “just get me through this freaking work day mindset”

I’m lucky I didn’t put them on backwards too! Of course, if I had then I’d really be concerned since I imagine wearing a thong backwards would be pretty uncomfortable and being oblivious to the feeling would be a sure sign of losing my mind.

Speaking of uncomfortable, I put my baby chicks outside in the coop last night permanently. I hope it didn’t get too cold for my little feathered fur babies.  But it was time! I reached my breaking point yesterday when I went to clean out the stinky poopy brooder box from the hundredth time that three of them flew out and run amuck in the room. The little shit birds made a game of curse and chase them until I finally contained them.  After that little episode of when little adorable chicks turn to be a quick naughty handful of teenage flying house hens that was it!

But more selfishly, I also want my spare room aka home gym back to pleasant smelling, poop free, no pet zone!  So, out to weather the cold they went!  But not first without me buying a $45 heating pad for the coop. Yeah, I feel slightly guilty since they probably should’ve stayed indoors about another week, but  I’m sure that will pass once I’m able to start lifting weights again.

Yup!  You read it right! I’m starting over working out and training again! I hate to even type about it.  But like most things in my life, if I put it in black and white then maybe I’ll be more accountable to it. So here it is another attempt to start over spelled out!

Although, I’m not just talking about it,   I’ve already got a three week momentum going, which mostly has consisted of moderate daily  walking and doing trail stair runs outdoors! This by the way has kicked my cardio into another level and has really given my mind the extra push I needed to really get my body moving and too eating right.

But like that old fart on the stairs preached to us, (“us” being my daughter and me) as we were  huffing and puffing our way back to the top of our 5th time doing  150ft climb, ”you know where the battle is won?” Of course, my first inclination was to say, “Look here sporty just because I look like I fat ass now doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing!” But I didn’t…I just paused for a second or two to slow my breathing down enough for him to blurt out “in the kitchen!”

“No shit Mr. Fitness Sherlock!”,  I know what I put in my mouth is just as important to working it!

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For those not blessed with a thigh gap…

Some days it’s a blessing and a curse to have an office with a view.  Especially days like this when I can look outside the window from my office chair and see the reflection of the sun bouncing off the parked cars drawing my attention to some sort of warm invite, not to mention the marque of the blue sky inviting me out too with its clear message of, “it’s just too nice outside to be inside”

If only I ruled my own world instead of be enslaved to it! I’d be the woman in charge calling it a half day and sending everyone home to enjoy  what looks like a high of 70’s with a chance of 80 degree weather! Yeah, maybe someday!  

But today, I’m confined to these prison walls on the inside looking out, ass planted and this thermostat reading a not as comfortable as I would like at 68.

Although, I suppose I’m lucky enough to have a job where I can get up and go and break away momentarily from the confinements of I owe and take midday freedom strolls. 

Which by the way, with the weather change and the onset of spring, not to mention my spring fever!  I have been taking advantage of sizable slices of fresh air and going for extended walks during my work day.

I may not be the man in charge enough to call it an early day, but I am grateful for my title which allows for some small extra benefits.   Such as this sizable office window and the extra few “manager” minutes spent without the worry of swiping a time-clock.

Yeah, I’ve been on such a roll these past couple weeks walking regularly, so today’s wrench in what has been my highlight in my day has me a bit annoyed. I suppose me sitting here glued to my desk and watching the half hour past and counting the hours left on 3 fingers is just an excuse.  But honestly, if it weren’t for this nearly paralyzing pain keeping me planted in my chair, I’d be out taking in every radiant ray of the day that I could possible absorb.

Although it’s not just the agony of another time of the month keeping me motionless today, if the truth be told, it’s the tiny rip and noticeable thinning of my jeans between my thighs that I just discovered! A subtle reminder how I’m not blessed with a thigh gap!  But on the other hand,  I guess it’s true what they say, “you’ll start to notice your weight loss efforts in your clothes!”

Unfortunately, mine is in the wear and tear of my thighs rubbing together in my pants! Anyways,  I’m afraid if I were to woman up and get past the discomfort and force myself into some kind of one foot in front of the other motion, that the friction between my legs would split my chinos wide open and have me telling myself ,”I told you so!”

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So, instead I think the wiser choice is too  wait out this wave of cramps, double dose on the stash of Midol in my drawer and save myself from any kind of humiliating force of splitting a hole in my back side.

In the meantime, I’ll play it safe today and just do what time I have left clock watching until I’ve reached that obligatory point. 

I’ll enjoy the rest of this gorgeous day in my own way and on my own time while wearing some sort of full proof anti- ripping leisure wear later! 

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A cup of here we go again..

I feel extremely fatigued, not to mention just overall lifeless! Ok, so that’s a bit dramatic. But seriously, I’m on day 2 of having no energy! Today’s foul mood has to be sponsored by no coffee having!

 Yup!  I have a suspicion that my lethargy it has to do with the self-induced torment of de-toxing once again off caffeine.

I don’t know why I do this to myself! Every time I go through this cycle of being a habitual power coffee drinker to a “I’m going to do my body better” non-coffee drinker,  I tell myself never again! But yet, here I am going through these sickening side effects!

It’s no joke that coffee is a drug!  If it weren’t I’m sure my body wouldn’t react in the way that it does when I step away from coffee press and don’t get my fill. I’m certainly not in my right mind either, when I angrily keep telling myself “screw it!”,”just drink it!”, Even though I know it’s not good for me.

That daily cup of here we fucking go again and that awakening pleasure of a perfectly brewed cup of java first thing in the morning, topped off with just the right amounts of creamy half & half and a spoonful full of sugar isn’t worth the 3-4 days’ worth of throbbing, nauseating headaches and sluggishly meandering my way through the day when I go without it.

Well, guess I’m going to suck it up and try my best to navigate through my coffee recovery.  In the meantime, I think my treatment calls for a Thai Iced Tea! TGIF tomorrow because I need some  R & R weekend therapy as well!

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Timeout!

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock!  What do with my minutes until I scurry off to some other responsibility in my daily drudgery?

I suppose I can rabble on a word or two for a few minutes while I have this brief break in my day.  Ok, so now that I’m allowing myself a time-out to sit and “think about it”. No, I haven’t been a bad girl and need to sit and think about some bad deeds. I didn’t mean it like that! Besides, any naughtiness I’ve done this week are probably good ones that I should think about! 

What I meant is, I don’t really have a whole lot of inspiration or creative energy to put into words and can’t really think of something ramble worthy .  I guess that’s no surprise by the detour I’ve taken this week from my routine writing.

Although, in all fairness my wavering from another monotonous start of the week has been due to both my work and life load.  Seriously, not an excuse, I’ve been BUSY!  It’s only Wednesday and I feel completing drained. So, I’m just here trying to get with my personal program and hustle the rest of the week with some energy and good spirits!

The sunshine has helped! I’ve been able to take some time to get some stepping and mileage recorded. It feels good to breathe in fresh air and add to my regimen of some exercise.   Heck! The few miles I’ve logged this week makes me want to end the week with some sort of hike. Hmmm? Guess we’ll see?

Although, It’s way too much to ask of myself sitting on-top of this midweek hump to look out over into the horizon of tomorrow and the day after .  So, I’ll play it by ear and see where the winds of the weekend lead me.

In the meantime, only 7 or more so hours to squeeze in all that I can out of this day.  So, I’m going to see what sweetness I can get from it!  So, you all have a good night! 😉

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Take pleasure in the little things

If someone had asked me 6 years ago if I’d be raising baby chicks, I’d probably would first looked at them crazy and then respond with some sort of “hell no!” But here I am today all enamored over these new additions to my life and finding a soft spot I never knew I had.

It just goes to show you that whatever you think you have or the direction you are going in life, it often takes you on this crazy ride with all sorts of twists and turns.  You just never know what’s next or what new adventure you’ll be seeking.

Of course, if you’re slightly odd, whole lot of weird and open to crazy and new ideas, chances are the journey is going to be that much more full of love, fun and excitement for you!

So take pleasure in the little things…..

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Are you my mother?

I’ve crossed the line!  I’ve gone from animal lover  and  a simple pet owner over into “pet surrogate” territory .  Shhh, don’t tell the hubby!  Although, by the snide sound of his comments, he’s already taken notice in my maternal need to coddle and fuss over our newborn additions.

What can I say? You can’t argue the fact that in some ways having domesticated animals requires you to be a “mama” on a different level,  especially when they are so helpless and cute!

So,  just like having babies, we put them in pens, make sure they are warm, pick up their poop,  hand feed them and hold them way more than they need to be handled. What’s wrong with that?

As they get older, I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I even bribe my young’uns into doing tricks, like eating all their dinner to be rewarded with a treat! 

Ha! My pants would so be on fire if I never said I bought way too many toys and played fetch with a toddler! Not to mention my grown daughter!

Well, guess I can’t tie my kids up to a chain in the back yard and leave them a dish of water and food for the day. But then again, I don’t do that to my dogs either!  

Ok, you win!  My kids do get bathed more than the dogs have been!  And I probably pet my husband more than the dogs too!

And of course, I can’t feed my youngsters, including the hubby the same portion of kibbles for every meal and every day without some sort of dinner bell revolt.  

Although, the cat has turned her nose up at some her everyday servings. Hmmm? But then again, my family has turned their nose at some of my dishes too!

I suppose it’s not the same,  I certainly can’t have a full blown happy hour on the couch while the tykes lounge in their bed on the floor in the corner gnawing on a bone or work on taking another bored comatose nap.  

On the contrary, the sheer utterances of “I’m bored” are a sure sign that no lounging or sleeping is going to happen.

I guess you could argue that I can’t put them on a leash in public and run their nose in accidents, at least not without some major questioning of my parental abilities. 

Which I totally do when I see other  parents with those sort of backpack leashes strapped to their kids and shouting out them.  So, really what’s the difference?

Ok, so pets don’t require you mending broken hearts and child support payments. The usually don’t talk back either, or make you question all the so-called necessary parental nagging of picking up and care of their toys, not to mention the talks of responsibility and wise life decision making. 

They don’t raid the pantry and eat you out of house and home either. Although, something tells me if our dogs could do it, they would too!

Ok, guess we could argue this all day long. It doesn’t matter though because I hear my 5 day old little fur babies chirping the sound of   “Are you my mother?”

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Idiosyncrasy of list-making

I’m kind at a loss sitting here trying to gather the accumulation of my weekly mental notes of what I should do this weekend. It’s unusual that I’ve reached the tail end of the week and haven’t made a detailed visual checklist of “To-do’s” and “What to buy.”

I have tendency to “weekend” list make to keep myself busy, especially when the Mr. is working all weekend.  As if I need to be busy all the time?  Which typically includes a generic inventory of house cleaning that didn’t get done during the week, too more specific assignments I want to tackle and then all the remaining of running around town errands.

The standard part of the list usually includes basics, such as mop floors, vacuum, clean toilets, dust, fold laundry, etc. I’m not sure why I itemize my household chores, instead of just categorize them into one large undertaken, such as “clean house” and “do laundry”.

You’re probably wondering why I need to write them down at all?  It’s just one of those quirky idiosyncrasies I’ve formed over the years.  I get bad cases of out of site out of mind syndrome; so if it isn’t in writing then I’ll probably let my self-diagnosed ADD kick in and get distracted with other things and not prioritize the things that really need attention, such as clean boxers and  underwear!

As far as the spelling out of specifics, I guess I get some sort of added sense of accomplishment and motivation when I’m checking off the many items on my list verses an all-inclusive general one.

 I suppose there’s some sort of twisted sense of  personal reward in doing so, especially when it comes to the nitty- gritty  cleaning that I hate to do; like cleaning the toilets. Check! Wash my hands of that and pat myself on the back! Now onto the next!

The more comprehensive part of my list, yet usually the more laborious and exhaustive tasks are things that fall under the categories of make the hubby notice, re-do, rehab and refurbish. These usually stem from some sort of ambitious thought of wanting to accomplish something on a more grand scale, like “his” yard work, cleaning out closets, rearranging furniture, or taking on some sort of hands- on time consuming project.

More often than not,  I write down more than I can possible accomplish in just a few days, so these types of weekend undertakings get pushed off onto a new list of to-do’s  at another time.  And sometimes, I just change my mind in wanting to do them at all and they never get done.  Hence, the garage has been a disaster since we moved in.

Not always, but usually my favorite part of  ”doing” on my list is the errands, typically because these involve some sort of shopping. Well, and what woman doesn’t like to shop!?  Not that it’s all that exciting, a typical weekend day of running around would be a trip to the grocery store and Target.  Boring I know! But Target is dangerous place for us Suzy -Homemaker domesticated types.

Sometimes I prognosticate my at- home duties and make a pit-stops to an antique or Thrift stores . And of course, if the need shall arise on the list, a stop at the hardware store for some more gadgets or a widget for a project. Which while out, usually involves a lunch break with my partner in dime spending- my daughter.

Anyways, it just so happens to my surprise, some of the new unconventional behaviors I’ve started to  incorporate into my life this new year are working !  I’m discovering new ways of making my life not so much of a chore in my free time and it has resulted in me sitting here with a blank list for the weekend,not to mention feeling a little less stressed.

In part, I suppose I can contribute some of it to my new mindset of minimalism and some of the “purging” and organizing that has happened around the house the last few months.

For example, last time the Mr worked all weekend. I took on rearranging and organizing our bedroom and got rid of “stuff”. Such as the oversized arm chair that use to be a catch all for the laundry. Now, there is no place to dump the laundry.  We are actually folding and putting it a way as it is done during the week and keeping our space just as  ZEN and clean as it was two weeks ago when I did it.   WOW! Imagine that …no mile high piles of laundry to get caught up on this weekend.

My new minimalism mindset has also made me more aware of “wants’ verses “needs” and I find myself not “shopping” or spending as much on frivolous items or craving more to-do projects.   Nor do I desire to even “look” aka treasure hunt as I once did. Yeah, I can actually drive past a yard sale without having an anxiety attack if I don’t stop.   I’m learning the “I have enough” concept and what it means to live with less.

Which by the way, the less you have the less you need to clean, dust,  re-do, recycle, refurbish,  and  rearrange, etc.   As far as the essentials and “must – have” and “must-do” goes, such as the grocery shopping. Well, I’m finding ways to make life easier with less list making in that area too.

For example, this week the Mr. and I decided to buy in “bulk” and headed off together to  the “ you can’t leave with no less than spending a few hundred dollars “ big box store and purchased enough meat to stock our freezer for the month.  Imagine that, no half a dozen trips to the store during the week or on the weekend to figure out “what’s for dinner?”  We also signed up for AmazonFresh ! By the way, I plan to write a whole separate post to cover this amazing new errand saving service.

Anyways, not sure what to-do without the security of my checklist this weekend?  No doubt, I’ll probably come up with one.  But one things for sure, it will be a short one!

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Together we…Cock-o- Doodle-do!

Funny how on Monday’s roll around and I impulsively want to write about the past weekend.   I’m not sure why I do this? It’s probably because I’m a typical Monday through Friday, 9 to 5pm kind of blogging gal.

Not that I really consider myself all that typical nor do I want to be predictable.  I’m just too busy gnawing on other things during the weekend that I don’t make time to whip up some sort of ramblings during my weekly two day hiatus to serve.

Of course, the hors d’oeuvres of the weekend are far better than the bland plain o’l- ho- hum- drum start of the week, right!? So my mind digresses to the weekend where I try to recall something word worthy of dishing up.

With that being said, what weekend tasty treats do I have to sample today? Well, for starters the Mr. and I attended what has now become our monthly excuse to get the immediate local tomfooleries aka family together for some sort of trouble making or otherwise questionable togetherness. We call it “Family Game Night”.

This is where we plan one day a month to interact oh so lovingly (sarcastically speaking) with one another in some sort of aloof sport, being fowl-mouthed and  dirty minded playing an inappropriate adult board or card games of choice.

For the home hostess of the month,it usually consists of some pre-game  easy edible fix-ins,  which always includes drafts and sips of copious glasses of pick-me-ups. Of course, there are extra noshes of nibbles and munchies that are voluntary brought to the merrymaking game playing table as well.  Yeah, it’s a laugh out loud belly aching good time!  And one that I now look forward to each month!

Beyond those weekend shenanigans, the Mr. and I acted upon another wild extemporaneous notion of ours and decided to spontaneously build a chicken coop! Of course, us two frugal minds think alike and the two of us  flew over the coo- coo nest together in deciding to make the “clearance” to- good -to- pass -up purchase.  Yes! you heard right we built a hen house together!

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On Mrs. Mulvhill’s farm she had some chickens! With a chirp, chirp here and a chirp, chirp there…e,I ,e, I oooooooooooo!

Well, we haven’t exactly got all our eggs in one basket, or our little chicks in a row yet.   We are defiantly  shooting from the hip in our organic egg producing quest together, so we have a bit to research, planning, and prep to do before we take on little cock-o- doodle-doo’s.  However, we did wrap up the weekend spending some quite time alone in  bed discussing cocks, kind of breeds we desire and the excited anticipation of them coming.

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The get- wet type like me, want to scream, “let it rain!”

Anticipating the days end, I look outside upon the darkening  sky through my office window. I find my thoughts drifting to watching him building a fire and enjoying the comforts of home, leisurely snuggled together under a blanket for one, sipping on something fine with no time to watch or place to be.

I welcome the weekend’s dark clouds and the haze of gloomy days ahead, the low lights of shadows of grey and the pouring pounding, drizzle and trickles of splatter hitting the exterior. The calming sense of peace and relaxation that comes from after good downpour is beyond measure.  wp-1486749899096.jpg

Yet, through the halls of my office, I hear it so pejoratively spoken, “it’s coming down again”! Me? I secretly want to whisper to the blustery intense storms …Oh, god! Thank you!  In hopes my appreciation will be lifted and carried to further rising the tides and continued overflow to the already raging canals of the central valley.

The get- wet type like me,  want to scream” let it rain!” as visions of lovers running through streets, holding hands and  getting drenched gives me some sort of lustful magical imaginary.    wp-1486749859686.jpg

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Sleep Tight! 

Just an ordinary night, the bedroom air seems cold, but our naked bodies sharing enough heat to be comfortable.  We snuggle in close, my petite frame drawn into his masculine form.

Embraced together my back formed nicely pressed next against his chest. He gives me  meaning to the term “sleep tight”, as he wraps his arms securely around me, our legs intertwined beneath the softness of the flannel sheets, and our hands find an extended way to touch each other as we settle in for our goodnight ritual.

Laying in the comfort of his embrace, I often sense the energy of his mind wandering, at the same time I feel the warmth of his breath breathing on my neck.  Sometimes, he whispers “Babe?” into my ear and pauses, “yes?” I softly reply, as he squeezes me tighter and answers “I love you so much!”wp-1486572015904.jpg

My heart sinks and “I too love you!” A rush of peacefulness fills me with more drowsiness as the noise and chaos of the day fades away, and we drift into our connected slumber.

It’s often in these moments as we fall asleep as one that makes me feel that we have an incredible bond and love for one another. I think it’s the unwavering way he draws me in and holds me tight every single night, the way he’s done it for years now.  It’s his simple ways about him; the nonchalantly affections that are undeniable genuine.

It never gets old and even years later; our nightly ritual still makes my heart pound and makes a way through to my soul. I think it’s the voiceless energy he permeates through me and the lack of duty-bound emotion that makes it so deeply expressive and meaningful.  wp-1486572026341.jpg

He doesn’t try to be something he is not, or be all that romantic about it, in fact, he’s not that romantic at all. He doesn’t have to attempt to convince me, it’s effortless.  I can just sense it, additionally; I see it in his eyes when he looks at me.

It’s as if he puts no thought in knowing, there is no doubt and that’s what makes it so real for me. Real isn’t forced, it isn’t planned, and it isn’t obligations and it certainly isn’t romantic. But there is a depth to the rawness of the truth in an expression that is so authentic that you just know how much you are loved.

And it is these moments; his touch and simple random expressions, moreover his unfailing silent energy of certainty, that affirm my long life envision and definition of sincerity.  There is not a night that hasn’t past in over the 5 years of loving him that I feel blessed to know that this is undeniably true.

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To have or to have-not…

Resilience, Hard work, Hunger, Dreamer, Proactive, and Driven, It’s easy to express these qualities in simple prosaicisms. 

However,painting a picture of true character of what separates someone from being a Go-Getter, a have from the have-not is something that is difficult for me to articulate.

For me the difference between being a mediocre kind of woman and settling for the hand that was dealt me, to being someone who is propelled past her own commonplace is all in the heart.

It’s hard to define, but I’d say it’s the gumption to dream loftily, the drive to make those dreams reality, and the resiliency to overcome obstacles and failures.

 I guess in some ways, it’s also just taking on the responsibility for my own life and especially doing so when others can’t or won’t.

I believe in embracing fortitude to take you from a plateau to unimaginable forward steps, it begins with a progressive unwavering mindset. One I’ve just always seemed to have.

Most realizations start out with a seemingly impossible dream—an idea that sparks an undertaking. Whether it’s buying a house, or houses, to catching a train, going on an adventure, putting in a garden, to larger things like going back to college to pursue a career passion or to invest in a business idea to become an entrepreneur, every action starts with reaction to a thought, a simple idea!

In Laymen’s terms, it’s simply a sort of debilitating problem I see some people have; either you’re a dreamer, or get off your ass kind of doer!  You’re either lethargic or not mindful of how you spend your time and money. Or you’re energetic and you keep yourself accountable to your financial and personal goals.  I see it like this; some just talk the talk, but rarely walk the walk.

Although, I may be optimistic sounding, I too am a realist and know we all get caught up in this little thing called life and it often distracts us from putting thoughts into motion. 

Often, I see it’s that old familiar scapegoat of how we were raised and/or that victim mentality.

But again, even with all that life gives us, I honestly believe it’s just something that’s deep inside all of us. Either you have heart to move beyond circumstances or you don’t.

 It’s just a decision! Make it!  What is it that you want to do? How you are going to do it?  and then decide a will and a way to make it happen.

I suppose you could argue in many instances in life, you must be both a dreamer and a doer to get where you’re going. 

You just got to start somewhere and go from there. I’d say, Go-Getter’s start with a vision, and then they map out what it will take—the work, dedication, discipline, money, and energy, etc—to achieve what it is they set out to do and then take actions to make it happen.

Honestly, I see this disconnect between what people dream and what they do to achieve them.  How many times have you heard people say what they’d like to do or have and what they actually do to turn those “likes” or “wants” into reality . 

Yeah, in most cases, it’s a lot easier said than done. I know! But I’m talking, even in the small really achievable everyday desires, they just don’t.  It seems the two are often a contradiction to their vision. Why?

One of the key facets of this character for me is the ability to organize and plan, not to mention overcome setbacks and effectively navigate obstacles in my way. No, not just hard for you but easy for me!

My characteristic has been defined in many ways—having thick skin, pretentious, stubborn, spitfire,  bitch, unselfish, loving, giving. Whatever it is good or bad.  The point is clear; to move forward you have to be able to bounce back physically, emotionally, and financially. 

Additionally, you need not have what I like to define as a hopeless poor-man’s mentality.

Winston Churchill knew a thing or two about resiliency. He once said that

“success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

Moreover, he offered this important outlook about the cyclical nature of accomplishment:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” 

“Resiliency is imperative to not just achieve, but to live your dream.”

Most failure is experienced when people give up despite success being just around the corner. A good example of this is two people in a committed relationship. You want it bad enough!? Have a never-quit mindset that drives you to keep going and to weather whatever storms comes your way.

If you storm the beach and move past the initial string of failures, you still might have the crashing waves of obligations, not only to yourself but to your loved ones. A motto I’ve lived by- Sink or Swim!

Ok, maybe that wasn’t a good example.  Sometimes you need to know when to hold them and when to fold them!

Although I do believe you can be successful all on your own. I also believe, especially in a marriage you can’t achieve success solely by yourself. 

 To achieve together, you must understand the importance of stepping up, doing your part, taking responsibility for specific actions, and holding your family or spouse accountable for their part.

This is where I see some relationships fail or where two people just settle.  Its like seeing two people on two entirely different pages in life,  one shouldering all the weight, giving it there all to the betterment of life together and the other settling for I can’t and won’t do that to a mentality of   “it is what it is” and accepting of circumstances. I guess that’s the secret of success for some?

I think it’s important, once you have conquered one mountain top together,  to never stop dreaming and purse the next peak. 

I think it’s almost  impossible to do this without the support of those who you have bought into your vision and to work together.  To “lead” the dream you must be transparent and vulnerable, yet strong-willed and driven to keep moving forward.

At the same time, I believe it’s important to stay humble, encourage your family to be the best they can be, take responsibility, except them for who they are, love them unconditionally, respect their views and opinions, but also hold them to their own actions and build them up while doing so.

President Theodore Roosevelt once pontificated on the characteristics of apathy he saw in his fellow man:

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

If the great leaders in history allowed fear of failure to keep them from stepping out and pursuing a dream, our society would look immeasurably different. Without dreams and failures, we wouldn’t have the shoulders of those who came before us to stand upon.

Sometimes if it weren’t for my own dreams and failures, not to mention shouldering my husband’s and my visions, I wonder were our life would be right now?

I think that belief holds true for relationships and life in general. It’s not all inclusive, but having the resiliency not to live in the gray but to have the attitude to; dream, do, continue, overcome, fear less and seek the next mountain top separates those who are the go-getter’s from those who settle for complacency.

 

 

 

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Getting more out of life…

Yesterday I started a post on social media addictions. I got about 600 words deep into my own personal experiences with social media, before I stopped dead in my own sentences.

As I was writing, not only was I distracted with multi-tasking and work. I just started to rethink my motive for this entry. 

Needless to say, that’s all been said and done; the Pro’s and Con’s and all that. I’m sure nothing I articulate here is going to be anything you haven’t read or heard before.

With that being said, I’m going to keep it plain and simple. Although, I’m sure this is a subject in which we all can get on a tangent about. I’m going to do my best not to formulate too much of my own opinions as I write this touchy commentary.

Like many, I was so addicted to social media that the first thing I did when I woke in the morning was pick up my phone and start up with hitting the social media sites, primarily Facebook.

I would in my barely waking state ,eyes half open focus my attentions to anything I might have missed during the night. Desperately searching for that fix that would satisfy my intellect until the next time I checked my phone.

This practice of scrolling and time wasting usually turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of what I refer to as “junk mail” and I was a junkie!

In hindsight,I now see all that garbage added no value to my mornings not to mention to the several interrupted intervals of my day I spent continually checking it.

While during the peak of my addiction, I observed many doing nothing more than “forwarding”, such as gif’s and copied images on their pages. I tried desperately to stand out in the crowd. I would actually post comments and pictures of “real life”.

You know, the things, people and places that where really going-on in my reality. I felt like I made myself vulnerable and open where most really weren’t.

Yes, there were some who just like me who strayed away from the herd and did their own thing too.  It’s those types who I admired and appreciated. What they shared was the reason I was so hooked to staying active.

My addiction wasn’t about narcissism, but simply about wanting to share things that I felt would inspire creativity or stimulate some sort thinking or sharing  out-side-the box. I wanted to provoke thought, comments or likings to engage and interact with people.

I really desired to have true connections;to spread ideas and simple share in a way that I thought would be beneficial to my life or someone else’s.

This came in all kinds of different forms, from show casing pictures of cooking a new recipe, undertaking a new project, or openly writing about true-life experiences. Ha! Even selfies! 

Of course I wasn’t exempt from the occasionally inspirational quote or image, I’m still not. 

I wasn’t all that hushed or “private” like so many. I wasn’t a peeking Tom neither who had a page , but didnt participate or never gave a thumbs up. 

I didnt sit quietly in silence behind the smokescreens and secruity of my own page, just watching everyone else and never saying a word. I certainly didn’t live in fear of what others thought of me either. 

The more I kept up with these behaviors and in the way that I was doing it and the more I kept giving in the form of likes, comments and posts, etc the more I felt I needed to do it and the more I wanted it.

It seemed the more I tried to care and to reach out; to simply be involved with other people lives the more disappointed I became.

I realized there was no winning the affirmation I was seeking and after years I spent doing it, the more I saw the direction of how people were approaching it and the dumbing down of it all.

Again I’m referring primarily to FB here, but the observation is pretty much the same across the board for most other social media’s.

I’m not even  going to mention the negativity , ill- behaviors and other stupidity I observed. Simply put,I was digesting a bunch of stuff that wasnt healthy or good for me. Emotionally, I was letting it affect me and not in a good way.

In short, I cut myself off of all social media except for Instagram and Pinterest. Which today, I can say is only on an occasion for “recreational” use or used for reference for seeking a “how-to” or knowledge in a particular interest.

I guess I still do want to share and believe in having an impact on lives.  I’ve just found a different platform and I’m less addicted.

Today, my compulsions are more focused on developing those things that add real value to my life. My mornings now are more about “listening” instead of trying to be heard.

I’ve made a practice of listening to podcast or Youtube videos that spark more gratitude, wisdom and living a life of abundance.

With that being said, I’m going to do something out of the ordinary and share here a YouTube video that inspired me to read an awesome book (The Alchemist) and just because I love how this man thinks! Hope you get out of it what I have. Enjoy!;)

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Be like that pain in the ass salesman…

Here we are February 1st!  I can’t believe how fast January has flown by. Has it for you?  I feel like January was a good month. Mostly because I incorporated some small changes into my day-to-day patterns that I feel have started me on some new courses.

Although I can’t really put into words where my directions are exactly taking me?  The best way I can describe it is a sense of spiritual enlightenment.  With this momentum, I’m intrigued where it will take me into this new month.

January was a month where I focused some of my energies into Minimalism, decluttering and simplifying parts of my life while at the same time building up others. 

Such as my writing, I made up my mind up in January that I was going to be more intentional and persistent with my passion.   

I don’t know exactly how many January posts I’ve posted?  However, I do know that it was probably more than any month I have ever published. Amazing what a little tenacity can do!

I’ve seen this sort of value of persistence in my life before.  When I’ve made my mind up to do something and I went for it.

 Such as the time I was determined and fully dedicated to get into the best shape of my life and did it!   I know that’s probably not the best example, because it’s just one of those things that a lot of us are determined to do and are even dedicated to a certain point. 

Yet, for some reason or another can’t stay focused to get to the destination in mind. And if we do, somehow we end up in reverse.

Honestly, I think it has a great deal to do with resolve. In order to get where you going you’ve got to be persistent without fail! 

You see you may not have the reality you want fast enough. It doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly won’t happen tomorrow either.  But one thing is for sure, you’ll never have it if you aren’t clear and unwavering in moving toward your intentions. You have to keep going no matter what!

Just sitting stationary is like spinning wheels, you may as well be put in park. Neither one makes you move forward or keep you going in the right direction. 

The moment you let the foot off the gas, sitting there idle, is the moment where you find yourself looking around and in some cases staring into the rear-view mirror.  

I know for me that’s exactly what happened with my physical fitness. I’m constantly now looking in my rear-view mirror of what I use to be!

You see we have choices, you can spin your wheels and remain in park and then wonder why you’re not going anywhere. 

Or you can just decide to put in yourself in drive and give it a little gas!  Look ahead and whatever is in your rear-view and tailgating, make it be the reason you speed up!

You just got to start somewhere and give it a little fuel. Like I stated previously, “I’ve made small changes”.  I can say looking back over this month, doing those small changes has made each day easier to gain momentum. 

Hopefully those small changes will make room for major headway toward the manifestation of what I have in mind and also lead me in directions I’ve yet to discover.

I truly believe you can only make progress if you are dedicated, fully committed and persistent! 

You have to be like that pain in the ass salesman, who won’t take NO for an answer and the only answer you are going to settle for is YES!  Say Yes to yourself every day!  Yes! Today I’m going to do A, B, and C.

I’m not going to bore you with any bits of testaments of not giving up. Yes, sure I’m human and I have plenty testaments of crashing and the wreckage that followed. 

 I will tell you though from experience those certain things that I did achieve all had to do with a breaking point, making a decision, and being persistence.

I believe in getting to where I’m going! You will get there too and find that getting to X, Y, and Z wasn’t as hard as it looked when you were sitting there with no keys in the ignition. 

Yeah, you may hit a roadblock, a dead end with your foot firmly pressed to the mental. But when you get going and that happens, just flip a bitch (change your attitude) and find a way around it!

Only you can blaze a new road straight through the excuses, the procrastination, the pain, the weariness, the doubts, and the tiredness, to get to where you want to go. 

That’s the value of persistence!  It’s the gas to abundance and prosperity, if you want change in your life then get in the driver seat, turn it on, hold on tight and go for it!

Beep! Beep!  Get out of your own way!  Vrooom, Vrooom- look out February I’m headed your way!

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I’m just not feeling it today!

Some days I can’t type fast enough to get my thoughts down as fast as my brain is working to articulate them. Then other days, it’s just plain hard! I’m having one of those days!  I think there is a term for it; writer’s block!

I suppose I could turn to my hand written journal where when an idea comes to me, I write it down as a “prompt” to write something about later.  Or course then there are the many writers “lists” where I can choose something to formulate into my own idea, opinions or creative expression- Fiction or nonfiction.  Yup, then there is always the news and Google headlines to grasp onto for more inspirations of two-cent , who-cares narratives.

Honestly, I see many bloggers doing that and after awhile it gets boring and uninteresting to read the same venting and ranting just expressed through a different interpretations or perceptions. Just like I want and desire to be! How about some originality!? For example,  If I read another Trump hater fulminating more personal analytical criticism and negativism. I think I may…..(you fill in the blank).

There is just so much I can choose from and really no excuse for me not to write about something, anything, and/or whatever! However, today I feel like I don’t want to write about another “me” experience, nor do I want to throw more “my point of views” out there.

I’m certainly not going to follow the herds and jump on any band wagons either!  And well, fiction is a arena in which I should try to expand my creative processing.  Lord knows I have an imagination!

I’m just not feeling it today!

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I’m going to call it an epiphany, so just humor me.

We are so fortunate to live in an era where no matter what kind of harebrained idea you come up with or whatever desire you wish to discover, you can easily study and find an abundance of knowledge right at your fingertips.

It blows my mind sometimes how easy it is to learn about “whatever” that comes to mind. However way you look at it, I guess it can be a blessing and a curse. No way to find out unless you try. Right!?

It so happens my mind never shuts off and I am constantly striving to gain knowledge here and there to whatever my fancy may be on any given day. So I love living in this day in age! 

It’s certainly been interesting the direction of how my thoughts have been traveling lately.  Just yesterday, while the Mr. was out fishing I decided to take advantage of the warmer weather and try to win some more “Good Wifey” weekend brownie points, I had one of my epiphanies!

Although something tells me that the back breaking weed pulling and pushing the mower over the slightly overgrown front lawn won’t add up to the day before brownie points, where I climbed my chubby butt on a bar, spread my legs and let my hubby publicly take a creamy birthday shot between them, in which the bartender called a “blow job”.

Anyways, call it what you will… You may call it mind wandering, daydreaming or mere fantasizing. Today, I’m going to call it an epiphany, so just humor me.

Of course, I think I have a clue as to why these ideas may have  been manifesting themselves as I was beginning to sweat and already feel the aching in my body.  I realized I’m not as young as I use to be and how this kind of work is made for ball breaking men!  But that’s how I am sometimes; whatever “he” can do I can almost do better!

So there I was shoveling shit and thinking to myself….”How awesome would it be to just be able to pay someone to do this and still surprise the Mr. with one of my 5 love languages! But of course, after a weekend of spending and fun, I found myself broke as a joke bending over pulling weeds, so that wasn’t going to happen.

But that’s the thing, if it isn’t being able to pay someone to do my yard work, it something else.  It’s not being able to go the grocery store and just shop without caring if I go over budget.  It’s driving around in a car where the windshield is cracked and the roof leaks.  It’s saying No when I want to say yes! It’s never being able to take a real vacation. It’s borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, etc.  You get what I’m saying…

It’s working that regular 8+ hour days out of comfort and stability just to survive and get by.  What if instead of just getting by? How about thinking of something that could make us more financially independent and thriving instead of dependent on our jobs and just surviving?  Well, that is exactly how my down in the weeds thinking started to root.

Of course, my usual go-to thought when I start with this kind of life assessing is that of starting my own business. However, on this day my mind wandered from the usual and started to think outside the box. Hmmm?  Imagine that! So my out-side-of -the box was  “I’ve always been interested in the stock market! ”

“Hey, dumb ass!” whispered my left shoulder devil’s advocate!  “You already have an investment account open!”   I once dabbled in this idea before and it didn’t go anywhere. Primarily out of not knowing or having the motivation to learn more about it. Go figure, how does one not have the motivation to make money? I can tell you in two words… complacency thinking!

In fact, I had completely forgotten about my account until last year when I got a notice from the state that I had unclaimed property that I stumbled back into this wannabe had been dream.

It just so happened that the minimal investment I had made about a decade ago doubled over the years. Once I had claimed it as mine, I cashed out half of it. Which was just enough for some fine dining and the rest I let sit  there this last year.   Just like I once did, I forgot about it! Until it struck me yesterday…

Why don’t I pursue this idea and learn more about trading stocks and other forms of investing to make money!!?  Maybe this pipe-dream can lead to somewhere? Well, it’s worth exploring, right!?

So without hesitation, I stopped sweating my vaj-jay off, put away the gardening tools, forgot about emptying the lawn mower bag (which the Mr so kindly reminded me when he saw the yard) and took cover indoors where  I kicked my feet up and planted myself on the couch. Yeah, he certainly didn’t win any brownie points with that observation. 

I spend the next several hours of what remained my day off, watching and reading everything on Stock Market for beginners, aka dummies!  This also led me to researching EFT’s, Mutual funds, IRA’s and other interesting forms of investing for the future.

I know I’m one crazy daydreaming geek girl with new stock investments and a IRA account! Which by the way, is not a tax break when the hubby and you make over a certain amount combined.  Oh well, live and learn! I’m still keeping the IRA because one day I’m going to be watching the hot pool boy sweeping the pool while the gardener picks up the dog poo!

 

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A lesson from the Universe…

Not only have I been making a practice to do my own writing, I’ve been also making an effort to read more of others blogs and “give” back more into the universe.

With that being said, I read this blog this morning that touched me today and so I wanted to share and “Pay it Forward”. Thank you for sharing this post. blogthecorneroffice.com/…/relationships-lessons-from-the-universe

The people of our lives can often times be seasonal – swiftly floating into our lives, to again swiftly leave for a new season to take its place. I bet, if you thought about it, you could identify the specific relationships that have had an impact on the person you are today. Whether they are […]

via Relationships Lessons from the Universe — The Corner Office

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Chew on this!

So, how is your New Year coming along? “Happy” I hope!

Are you holding steadily fast to any/all promises you have proclaimed for yourself in  2017? I know it’s still only January!   I guess that means we are only one- twelfth into “sticking to it”!

I know we still have a ways to go and if you haven’t got started that’s ok. You can still reward yourself!  But the truth is most people lose sight within the first month. So, none of my business, I’m just checking in.

A handful of you faithful subscribers might’ve noticed that one of my so -called “resolutions” is too try to make a practice of writing more frequently. How am I doing?  So far, I think I’m on a good track of making a habit.

By the way, my reward for writing is each one you! Every time a person is interested enough in what I write to actually follow this blog.  I reap the reward in knowing I’m not just doing this for myself and that makes me not want to give up doing it.

Thank you to the 5 new followers this month that rewarded me in January !

Anyhow where was I with all this? So it’s been said, it takes 21 days to form a new habit. So, with it being twenty something days into the New Year? Any new habits formed?

Well, you see I might be on my way to reaching that sought out pattern of change. However, what you don’t know is the other behind the scenes aspirations I’ve been working on simultaneously with my writing.

I know with my plate as full as it is, I’ve been slowly chewing with my mouth closed and only digesting what I can and not really sharing a whole lot.

However, in the past few weeks, I’ve managed to chomp away not only at writing, but a few other ambitions as well.

So of course, reading goes hand in hand with writing, and I’ve read two books this month.  I know, that’s not saying much compared to you avid readers who do several blog book reviews a month.

By the way, if anyone reading this knows of resources to make legitimate dollars writing book reviews, please feel free to comment.

In addition, if you’ve been paying attention to my blogs, you would also notice that I expressed an interest into Yoga this month.

Trust me, I too still don’t know how or why I’ve got started on the self-teaching Buddha loving, meditative, Namaste psychosis. But I have!

I find my quite nights with my eyes closed, breathing deep, sprawled out on my bedroom floor stretching my body in solitude has really done something.

If nothing else beyond my own quite time and spiritual awareness, it’s got me slightly more flexible and closer to actually bending over and  touching my toes! I know that’s a crazy thing to want to achieve. But that’s me! Kinda odd!

Of course the Mr. has been working nights all month long, so I’ve had more time to privately indulge in my secret insanities.

Honestly though with the new month approaching and him returning to working days, I might regress a bit with the toe touching and having my nose buried in a book.

However, even with him around in the evenings,  I’m sure there will still be some bending over, kneeling, and some sort of heavy breathing going on. No worries, not all progress is lost!

Another food for thought, dare I say with my mouth open? I’ve been practicing Intermittent Fasting. This is where you only eat between a certain time periods during the day.

For me and my schedule this is approximately 9am-5pm, the rest of the time I’m fasting, which is mostly during my sleeping hours. Mind you I also get up daily at 3:30am. So not eating when I get up and waiting till 9amish to eat is not easy!

Hunger pain is an understatement! No pain no gain! It’s true! Curious, What new “healthy” habits have you started?

Now before any of you nay- sayers go on with your so-called scientific reasoning’s of what is good for you speeches. Please note, and I say this will all due respect! I don’t care!

What’s good for me and what works for me may not be the same for you. But, I’m doing it and I’m finding I do “feel” better.

Not only am I feeling better, but the rewards of incorporating this change into my life, so far this year had brought me a 5 pound weight loss.  Yeah, that brings a bit of “Happy” to my new year.

Well, there are a few other spoonfuls of life changing behaviors I’ve been gnawing on, but I guess you’ll just have to stayed tuned! Go ahead! Pull up a chair and dig in;)

 

 

 

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Chug-a -Chug, Chug-a-Chug!

Here we are on top of a hump of midweek humdrum sandwiched between the mundane and a few more days of the ordinary.  Hang on just a few more mounds of day-to day and before you know it you’ll be taken some pleasure rolling downhill in some fun off days!

Which is exactly what I plan to do this weekend with the Mr! It’s his “Birthday” weekend, although not his actual birthday day, but nonetheless close enough for this cougar to celebrate her man cub and his thirty something years of wonderful.

I’m pretty thrilled to be doing something I’ve never done with him.  We talked many times about jumping on a train and making a day of it and going to “Old Town”.  As so, like I do on occasion put someday over the rainbow plans into action and make it happen!

Honestly, I am excited for the weekend and spending time with my loved ones.  But, I don’t have that high of expectations of the train ride. Although I’ve never rode on a train, something tells me it’s not what you see in the movies.

I’m sure it’s not going to be a warm and cozy glorious ride in a private cabin along rolling hills and a mountainside of lush trees covering countryside of breathtaking scenery, where the Mr. and I are caught up in some steamy sex scene as we voyage to some exotic across the pond destination.

After all it’s only  up the freeway, about 2 hour trip through the armpit of the Central Valley.  I’m sure I won’t even look out the window to notice the landscape that’s flourished with warm colors of graffiti and the poor homeless vagabonds nearly freezing under tarps beneath the over pass.

Yeah, I’m thinking it will probably be more like a fast bus on tracks that I can’t wait to get off of!  I can kind of envision it now, standing there shivering in my shoes made for walking on the platform within minutes of numbing arrival.  Well, because that’s how the hubby and I roll…always on time!

I’ll probably be clutching to a paper cup and lipstick stained lid of some sort of bone warming energy.  I’m sure I will be anxiously trying to peer down the way through the crisp morning fog wondering if it will be on time. Us kinsfolk,  all standing there grouped together,  eagerly waiting to hear the raucous metallic shriek from down the tracks, as it heralds the arrival of a the well-traveled steel carriage chug along- Amtrak!  All aboard!

It will be probably be corroded in finger print iron and tacky upholstery, some litter will remain and the air stale of some sort of familiar smell, urine maybe? Oh god let’s hope not! And while I’m hoping, please no crying babies or uncontrolled brats!

As we take off, I’ll give the Mr. a look, as I notice the soft vibration of machinery propelling across the earth beneath me.  Oh yeah, birthday boy, I’m looking at you! However, I will barely hear the soft squeal metal trundling as we trek along, because I will be too busy catching up with “what’s new with you?” chitchat with the  ride- along party of seven of our nearest and dearest adventure seekers. 

As we disassemble upon the rest of day …Let’s celebrate! Cheers to you my dear!

 

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Go figure, I am human!

Pessimism and self- doubt are dangerous ugly emotions. They can easily build up when you strive daily to achieve a certain level of appreciation and acknowledgment for your openness and vulnerability only to feel like your efforts are fruitless.

Today I find myself jumping on that cynicism train to nowhere, trying desperately to get away from these monsters in which are slowly beating down my enthusiasm. As I stare at them, blankly at this glass screen with doubts and questions as to “Why”, “Why am I putting forth so much effort”,” Why if there are 9 million followers on this platform then Why, Why, Why….”

Why!?  Why have I been told throughout my life that I have a talent and that I should follow and pursue my passion? Why have I been told I’m good at this? Why do I have a way with words if no one is reading them?  Why do I bother when no one else does?

I know! Why don’t I snap out of it!  This is not who I am sitting here being nonconstructive with negativity.  I’m not one to view the world in disapproval nor do I do things out of honesty, sincerity and candidness for intended expectations.

 Yet, I do feel slightly frustrated as to where am at. This is me…real and raw! Go figure, I am human!

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Get off that bull and let’s cowgirl up!

The weekend in now past and I can no longer shoulder the heaviness of what I didn’t accomplish. So with the dawn rising, I need to unload the dead weight and saddle up.   So here I am externally seeking something inspiring to browse and compose that is a little lighter for me to uplift and carry out.

However, in searching for an image, a quote, a profound message in words that will unveil a provoked further thought this daybreak: a greener pasture!  I’m finding there is no band wagon to jump on.  Instead, I find myself paused in my own blank space internally trying to herd my own drive.

I find Monday’s are often like that, I let my ewes run wild grazing on lackadaisies all weekend, and so the break of a new day comes around and I’m looking out across the vast horizon of the week ahead, only to gaze upon open overgrown grassland where my energies are all spread out.

Often the start of a new week is difficult for me to corral my stimulus into one direction. So, I do the best I can to load up, tighten the loose straps, put one foot forward in the stirrup and throw the other over to kick her into giddy –up!

Although I know ya’ll spurs can sometimes seem to have too many distracting jingly bobs on them, but I know my boots have always been tall and made for hard-wearing, so pull a leg strap and get on with it!

Yeah, I know my hats many and some flat too, but my ropes and hopes are long.  Just so you know, it aint the clothes that make a wrangler, it’s the attitude and heart! So the words I speak need to be honest as the steed fast between my legs.  So, I say… ya’ll get off that bull and let’s cowgirl up!

So this week’s rodeo show, I’d like to rein in my wild attentions too some improved physical fitness and rounding –up more personal creative branding.  I’d like to tether in some inspiration that will lend to a greater following and that will continue to fertilize the grounds in which I so desperately want to blossom and grow. What wild stallion do you need to tame?

Well, I need to get on with my Monday gallop, so If anyone wants to find me, I’ll be out on the range, knee deep probably in some compost watching the sunrise, gritty one- getting er done!

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Put it in my mouth!

I admit I’m a total foodie!  I really enjoy cooking! I guess you can say I’m also “Epicurious”. I’m always seeking ways to be a better cook, exploring tips, new tricks and kitchen secrets. I won’t even get into all the kitchen gadgets I have!

The Mr. likes to say I have an obsession with some foods, so much so that I have what he describes as food orgasms. It’s no wonder he calls me his cupcake! I like to think I’m more like his icing on his cake! And because I’m just sweet like that!   Ha, ha he thinks he’s so funny! But I guess he’s not totally exaggerating.

Who doesn’t spontaneously let out a moan by food pleasure? You know when the taste of something so enjoyable  that it literally excites your pallet, your eyes roll to the back of your head and you let out a indulgent, “Mmmm, this is  sooooo good!”

Although don’t get “foodie” mixed up with a sitophiles. I (we) don’t have a sexual fetish in which we are aroused by the stimulation of food. However, I do see the correlations between sex and food. They both are associated with biological needs, both by mental and emotional urges.

It’s true, eating doesn’t just keep us alive; it feels good! Much like the Mr. makes me feel – good and alive! I see eating is much like the sexiness of licking your fingers, using your mouth and hands in ways that bring us gratification. Right!?wp-1484934969042.jpg

Sometimes I will watch my husband at the dinner table, gorging on a spread I’ve just either steamed, beaten, whipped up or some other way prepared him.   And while he might not be the moaner I am. You can defiantly see the joy and satisfaction on his face.

I like to think I have the seductive lure of the carnivorous!  When I’m grilling with my grill pan, a prime thick cut of rawness, it will spatter, hiss and crust up in all the right places. Almost done to its peak, I make mine slightly pink in the middle, but still super moist and tender to devour.  Even the slightest sniff of my yumminess sizzling has him hunting me in the kitchen every time!  He says I make the best steaks ever!

Yeah, I’m pretty good in the kitchen! So we don’t eat out much, however on occasion we will splurge and have some sort of meat-feast or raw fish love-in out.  Sushi is an all-time favorite. However, every once in a while I crave a good burger, my inner glutton goddess screams, “Put it in my mouth!

A nice big ball of top quality meat, a generous portion just a tad raw on the inside layered between a soft bun.  I like mine oozing with hot melted cheese and either with crispy bacon or some sort of extra goodness, usually with a generous slap of sauciness and perhaps some jalapenos for the tickle.  The kind of burger when you take a bite the juices run down your chin! So wonderful, you savor and swallow every bit till you feel like you’re going to explode.

Sometimes we will even splurge on dessert when we go out. We love molten lava cake topped with generous nutty handmade cream, drenched in a warm sort of sauce!  I try my best though to not have too much “I” scream.  It’s a weakness, once I get started, I only want more!  But Ohhhh!  What a sweet way to end a meal.

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Oh man! I sure have worked up an appetite with this one! I’m hungry!

 

 

 

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Welcome all the commentators to my little slice of domain..

I feel like I’ve been on this inspired roll lately. Yet some days, it’s more like a roller coaster done out of pure amusement.  I think it’s contributed to the fact that I’ve been disciplining myself to do things outside of my daily norm.

I’ve consciously been forcing myself to allow for “me” time to do things in which I believe hold some sort of value in my life and that will open me up spiritually or otherwise in ways that will allow me to grow or just have some fun.

Such as, I’ve been sticking to my  daily key stroking and trying to develop some new routines and habits that will hopefully push me outside my comfort zones and/or push me in unexpected directions as a blogger, writer, or whatever it is that I want to pursue with this.

Most days when I write, I just let the words free fall and land however they are going to touch down. I don’t allow myself to get all twisted up with fear. I don’t grasp to the edge like I’m going to die , if I put something out there that is grammatically , punctuationly, (yeah I know not a word)  politically, socially, or whatever “ly”  incorrect.

The reality is I know my thoughts will often be broken and scattered all over the place.  Still I pay no attention to possibly falling on my face!  I just leap out anyways! Have some fun with it and let whatever is going to plummet out on the page do so with no real thought or consequence.

Of course, at this point I don’t feel the pressure or need to be so precise with my intended mark.  It’s not like I have an ensemble of followers waiting to comment or give me some insightful constructive criticism to my periodical meandering of calamities and what- not’s.  Although, I surely wouldn’t mind more use of my “follow” button and eagerly welcome all the commentators to my little slice of domain.

Anyways, today I discovered it’s probably a good approach to free fall (freewill) writing- to just hold your breath  (or scream) squeeze my pen,take in the scenery and just dive in!

Instead, I wasted part of my day actually grounded in what would’ve been some good quality time soaring with writing something.  I  allowed myself to get all tangled up in my analytical cords of my descend of how and what I should write about.

So today instead  of hitting the page with words running and I suddenly find myself amateurishly kicking rocks!  Surely this has caused quite the tailspin, because I’ve hit a brick wall. Not only have I knocked the wind right out of my own jotting sails, I’m in a huge knot! No fun!

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What’s this voyeuristic sense?

I find it odd that I’ve had this strange interest with yoga lately.  Oh don’t get me wrong, not in the sense that I’m practicing it. Although, that maybe my next step to explore more of the lure that has me so captivated by it. What’s also interesting is I find this new fascination to be more so in a voyeuristic sense.

What’s so weird about me being drawn to it now is that in varies stages in my life I actually tried to partake in practicing yoga and found that it wasn’t for me. So why am I so drawn to wanting to attempt it again?  The question leaves me wondering…

In fact, when I even start thinking of the possibilities, I immediately digress to self- doubting thoughts of past experiences and think “Who am I kidding, I can’t even touch my toes standing up”, “I have never been limber!”,” I will never be able to do a handstand!”,” Heck, I’ll break my neck if I do that!” and my newest self-limiting thinking these days, “I’m just too old for that!”wp-1484758940673.png

But yet, I keep finding myself vicariously wanting to be like so many practicing this mastery.  It’s as if I desire the same discipline in my life that promotes such spiritual unity and Supreme Being through an artful system of postures, breathing and rituals.

Perhaps it’s the grace in which I see people practicing yoga, using their own body weight to create unique poses. I sense this strength, calmness and serenity about them that even through an Instagram picture to be infectious.  Whatever it is, at this point it’s an unexplained intrigue that has me moving toward wanting to find out.

With this fascination, I’m beginning to ask myself is my body or is the “universe” telling me something? Is it saying move outside your comfort zone. Is it saying, your way too “stiff”, or is it telling me something more perverted, like I desire something different and new, such as wanting to be more flexible in positions intimately?wp-1484758957620.png

Or perhaps the coercion is for me to just breathe!  To mediate, to create a calmness and state of awareness that will change and stretch me? Or maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever it is that’s appealing to me? I think I may delve more into ….

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Uterine Express is on its way..

Dear Aunt Flo,

There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to tell you straight up. You are the worst Aunt ever! I think I’ve been putting up with your BS, PMS and dirty laundry long enough!

I know you mean well, but honestly I have been dealing with your consistent bell ringing every month now for 33 years! Well, there was that 9 month period where you were kind of missed. But other than that, you have been nothing but a real pain in my hoo-haw!

Honestly, now that I’m into my forties, I’m really tired of you dropping in on me every month! I don’t need you in my life anymore!

Luckily, over the years I’ve gotten well versed in recognizing my vajayjay alerts, so I know exactly when the Uterine Express is on its way. Your estimated time of arrival is always looming.  I usually know within a day or two that you’re getting close. It’s just a gut feeling!

Usually the family can sense the locomotive coming too! Especially the Mr. because he tends to say stupid things like “Is it that time of the month?”  I dread your arrival so much that I tend to lose my mind sometimes.

Yeah that’s right!  You aren’t even here and you’ve completely worn out your welcome. You always do!  I will admit some months visits are better than others, but still they are miserable!

You are so relentless! You come anyways and stay the usual 3-5 days causing so much  fatigue and discomfort! Honestly, your visits are draining! And I’ve had enough of the menstruating!

Some days, if it weren’t for my friend Midol, I’d just curl up in a fetal position and sleep all day just to try to pay no attention to you stabbing at me. bfc6cf0e0bec3aecd33bb02c0c9839e1.jpgBut unfortunately there is no ignoring you! No matter what I do, I have to put up with your messes and unpleasantness! Quite frankly, the Mr. is often right!  It is you making me moody and irritable!

I’m not going to lie, it’s a complete relief when you pack your box full of soft cylindrical plug materials and cotton absorbent fabrics and go away! I feel so much lighter and happier once you’re gone! Although I know you’ll be back, you timely miserable bitch!So please, can you ease up with the nasty visits here soon because I don’t really want you visiting me anymore!

 

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Monday’s Rabbit Hole..

Hi all! Here is it Monday! Another “starting” point to do it all over again. Whatever “it” is that you all do? Speaking of, do you ever find yourself or people around you say ” On Monday, I will start…”.   Weird how Monday’s become so many people’s  arbitrary starting point to do something.

Anyways,  here is me, trying to create  routines in my life too that add more value and purpose to my current everyday ho-humdrum- hamster run-of- the- mill living.  So, pen to paper and here I go!! Well you know, key strokes to screen.

Last week, I believe I wrote consecutively 5 days out of the 7. Those 5 days of expression and mindfully making myself write was quite interesting. By the way, I wouldn’t say I’m anywhere near a “habit” of writing daily. However, in a reletntively short period of time I have been able to be more “aware” of pursuing one aspect of my life that I’m passionate about and making time for myself.

Yeah, some days the writing didn’t spark much inspiration or thought. It was me just kind of just venting or rambling on with nonsense.  But other days, I found the writing to be uplifting, therapeutic and assisted me in ways to put things more into perspective.

It’s funny how “perspective” works for me and how it snow balls into other outlooks and visions.   I usually find when I “see the light” in one area it often sends me down another evaluation and assessment path in another.   Such as wanting to make an effort to write more has also sparked a desire to read more.

So the trail begins, I write to read more, the more I read the more I’m interested in a subject or idea I become, the more I set fire to one area of my living.  My problem is that I haven’t found a trick to keep those embers continually burning in any one area of my life. Well, that isn’t entirely true, but like I’ve said before, “that’s a subject for another time”.

My point is, I do this “reset” stuff all the time, I hyper- focus on one thing and it last for about minute and then it dies out until somewhere down the line I hear myself saying things like, “I use to write”, “I use to read a lot”, “I use to workout 5 days a week”,” I use to eat really healthy”,” I use to be a size 3!”” I use to want my own company”, “I use to dream of having and being this or that” and then I find myself starting all over with trying to rekindle those parts of me.

Ok, I don’t really know what rabbit hole I’m leaping into with this today. But at least I inscribed something……..

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Stop laughing at me!

It amazes me sometimes what literal thinker’s toddlers can be and how they take words for verbatim. It’s no wonder they say the darndest things. My son at four sometimes has the family rolling with laughter at his interpretations.

Of course, bless his little untainted naive heart! He has no idea why everyone is laughing at him. Usually, he gets aggravated at this and will with a brow furrow, grimacing glare, hastily cross his arms and blurt out “Stop laughing at me!”

Of course, I don’t blame him for reacting in the way he does. I too don’t like it when I think in logical terms and try to say some intelligently and get laughed at. 

Although my reaction is a little less subtle in the sense that I just either in my mind say “whatever!” and pretend I didnt just say what I did and go about changing the subject. However, on occasion I will respond to ass-clowns  snickering at me with a “go fuck yourself!”. 

Then there are the blonde moments and I’m like deer stuck in the headlights, where I too am wondering “What’s so funny?”

Anyhow, with my son we all have to explain that we aren’t laughing at him, but rather giggling at the very thing he just said. Of course, still yet that often doesn’t appease his irritation, and he’s not laughing with us, because he simply doesn’t understand what’s so  f’n funny!

For example (true story) ,  Kids as you know sometimes can be finicky eaters. And, as parents we use “bargaining” tactics to get the little ones to eat up.

 We negotiate with barters, such as “Eat all your dinner and you can have dessert.”, “Eat your carrots and it will give you good eyesight”, “Just one more bite and you can get up from the table”,” Your  chicken is lonely and sad and will only be happy when he’s reunited with his mashed tato friends in your tummy”. 

You know all the things we shouldn’t say as parents! But that’s a subject for another blog time. Ha! Don’t get me started! But please do chime in if you got lines that work on the impressionable non-eaters. 

Well, one day my husband was trying to get our son to eat all his lunch. The deal of the day was, “Eat all your lunch and someday you will grow up too be  big and strong like daddy!”

 Mind you my husband is not your averaged size little man. At 6’4 he scales well over my 5’2 petite stature by quite a bit. 

Yeah, that line worked!  What pint-sized boy wouldn’t want to grow up to be uniquely tall and handsome like his dad? If I was a little boy I’d buy that line too and chow down all my lunch!

So that day when I came home from work, my son excitedly  wanted to tell me that he had eaten all his lunch  and of course all the details of why.

 He said he ate all his lunch because he wants to grow tall just like daddy. Little does he know, he will probably outgrow his father already without eating all his lunches.

However, I humored the little man and said,” That’s great sweetie!”” keep on eating all your lunches and someday you will be tall just like your dad!”

He then with a puzzled look on his face looked at me with those sweet little baby blue eyes and said, “Meme, how come you don’t eat all your lunches?”

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Cha- Cha- Change!

Can you spare some change? No, I’m talking about the nickels and dimes left at the bottom of the clothes dry that fall from the pockets ones jeans. Nope, not the couch cushion quarters left by the mysterious coinage fairy either. Nor is it the pennies from heaven that rarely rain.

I’m talking “change”, the mania and madness that tugs at your subconscious to do something! For me, I can’t exactly pin-point what it is that I know and want to change. But I know it’s there hidden in my dark clouds of subliminal aspirations.

One thing, I do know is that it’s not the obvious, my pant size! Although my pants and dress sizes both need to change! Ha! However, I don’t feel like that is what is really “eating” at me.

I guess it’s nothing new we all feel a slight of from time to time. At least I like to believe, I’m not the only one bothered by complacency.  Well, I guess some got it all figured out and ok with mediocre way of living.  And that’s ok! But for me I want to navigate my way through this journey aiming for my full potential. Lord knows I am nowhere near being the best version of myself.

It’s the but’s, how’s, and what- to -do that I need to pursue and possibly panhandle!

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Perfectionism is a vain and painful daily venture..

Perfectionism is a vain and painful daily venture. As an uncompromising female wage earner in a predominantly male industry, I’d like to think I speak from experience. So, fair warning! This post is my liberal confessionary rant and I’m stepping  up on this here soapbox.

Some days, my need and want to be flawless in my day-to- day job functions really troubles me: all the gratification of “getting it right” can be immediately wiped out in a 5 minute encounter with the pretentious higher authority- The Man!  It is by one slight debilitating imperfection that pierces my rhinocerosess exterior that I get so stunned it floors me and keeps me down usually for the remainder of the day and in some cases keeps me awake at night fretting over myself.

It’s like this shooting pain of a scorn and negativity that has me so paralyzed that it literally affects my mood, ruins my day and causes insomnia. Really, how can the distress of a brightly irradiated spotlight of my shortcomings being beamed at me create such wounded feelings? So much brought on by so little, folded arms, grim Brit voice, and the hypothetical finger pointing.

I think my problem is, I personally connect a lot of my emotions and my identity to that of the main 8-10 hours of my day. So, if within those 8-10 hours, if things don’t go smoothly and I’m not positioned and kept right ontop my pedestal then my whole day is shot!

This attempt of mine to keep up with these fabricated measures is a constant set-up of discontent and let downs.  This “career” game of Perfectionism is designed for failure, especially I feel for us women in certain positions.

What I’m realizing is that even I could always live up to the standards- and win approval every day! I wouldn’t necessarily be happy—contentment comes from within, not from the status of always being a top- performer or my bosses “Teachers” pet!  And yet I continue to play this game with religious devotion to my position. WHY!?

The truth is, we are all human. Does striving to always be that “Rock-Star” at my job really that important? Does it matter?  If it doesn’t, then again I ask myself Why then do I let it wreck so much havoc on my emotional state?  Is it because I’m a woman?

Nope, it’s not that either…defiantly not that time of the month!

I think  the thing is that I need to do is somehow create a paradigm shift with my reactions. Such as realizing that “getting it perfect” isn’t the primary intention of living or working! Rather, I want to actually live to uncover what it means to be a human being—both intellectually (work) and emotionally and spiritually  (personal).

Consequently, I learned a valuable lesson on this yesterday: I learned that I need to be happy with my efforts and my growth, not with perfection and not let others in the work place dictate so much of how I feel.

Truth be told, and if I’m honest with myself.  I know when I’m hard worker, doing a great job and deserving of accolades.  I also know when I slack and possibly need an ear pulling,  I’m proud of that and not so proud at times.

But again, I am human!  I can choose when to pat myself on the back and know when I can do better. That means I can also choose what I allow from others to stick to me and what I can bounce off.  Ya know,” I’m rubber your glue, what bounces off me and sticks to you!”

I don’t need to let “business” define me or more emotions, let alone determine the outcome of my day. I think the same goes for all other areas of life. I know I’m digressing here on the subject, but bear with me on my vent here!

For instance health, I won’t ever be a Barbie. Instead of me focusing on having a “sexy” body, It’s much better for me to focus on being healthier while enjoying the process of exercising and improving my overall well-being. So, whatever that maybe?  It could be a ten minute stroll or a 2 hour gym session.

Same goes for relationships, If you’re seeking for the perfect Mr or Mrs, friend or “co-worker/boss”, you’ll lose every time. People are, by nature, imperfect—through life experience we load ourselves a suitcase full of defects and carry it mostly wherever we go.  But instead of the imperfections, we can focus on making our relationships better; we can focus on growing as individuals,being patient, understanding and compassionate to others.

Again, even if your passion is your work, which by the way mine is NOT!  If you’re looking for the perfect job, it’s not out there. No matter your occupation—even if you land your “dream job” in which you pursue your passions every day—there will be always moments of despair, moments of monotony, moments of doubt and moment of dreariness. And yup, moments of “take this job and shove it!”   But that’s OK. Instead of those moments controlling and defining us, we can somehow find amongst the weeds, joy in our experiences, gratitude for the job we do have and the silver lining within it all.

We can also focus more on the fulfillment we get from growing and improving everything we do in all the tiny little ways we do every day.  Like, we can take one for the V-team, at the same time, learn to chalk one bad day up and know that a brand new day approaches. Although, this isn’t always easy when you’ve been up all night sleepless, tossing and turning.

Every area of life is filled with imperfection, but we needn’t let it plant it’s ugliness in our psychoses. So let it go and get some sleep! Better yet, what we should do is learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck!

Additionally, this week so far I learned to take criticism for what it is and  take what value I can from it and the rest I could give a flying yahoo!  Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not in a bad attitude way. But more in a, I control my thoughts and feelings kind of self-adjusting attitude kind of way.

Ok, I know! Step off the soapbox!

Sure, most of us have one, male or female scoffer and discrediting “shame on you doers” out there who aren’t always the mentor or leader they are made out to be—and I’m learning (mental note- work on this area of weakness) to pay them no mind (although that’s not always easy). But most people who provide criticism are simply attempting to help or get there point across—they are contributing to the greater good and sometimes it is just business, even though the communication and delivery of the message is poor.

Just know that feedback in whatever form it is communicated, allows us to grow. It allows us in some cases to work harder and smarter and in other cases to live more meaningful lives.   However, I should know this already, especially in business is that the delivery of that intent is not always how we want it to be. But that too such is life!

So with all that rambling, what I’m trying to take away from one bad day is too better deal with work and not to take it so to heart, not to mention home with me.  What I need to remember in these sporadic moments is these three simple things:

Just Breathe! When something or someone stressful knocks me off my high horse, take a solidary walk and do so not with my tail tucked between my legs! I need to remember to focus on my breathing and my body and minds reaction. Btw,  did you know that deep, diaphragmatic breaths can change our physiology? It provides our bodies with the oxygen when where steaming to cool off and provides us with the calm we need?

Give attention to what really is important.  Yes, a job is certainly is important and maintaining it should be as well. You should strive to do a good job!  It pays the bills and affords us with most of the monetary essentials to live, not to mention a few luxuries. Just do the best you can!

Don’t let feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, and every other negative emotion we can conjure from our day and erroneously project them onto our loved one. Don’t give the emotions your undivided attention.  Conversely, focus on the positive, try to feel joy, happiness, and contentment and give your good attention where it is appreciated-your family! True! Much of how we feel is directly associated with what we focus on. So again, focus on what truly matters!

Lastly (on this ranting post) but certainly not least- I need to remind myself of this too…not only during the holidays, but all the time. Belief!  Similarly, whatever we believe becomes our reality. If we believe people are awful and horrible, then we’ll find all the defects in even the kindest people. If we believe people are kindhearted and compassionate, then we’ll find glimpses of good even in the malefactors and nay-Sayers. The same is true for any event or situation in which we are involved—it is whatever we believe it is. Right!?

Your life, nonetheless your job isn’t about perfection, well unless you’re a brain surgeon. My point is my life isn’t perfect, my job isn’t perfect, what and how we perform daily doesn’t define who we are or how we should spend the rest of the day digesting it.

Our day in and day out should be about our ability to grow, love and enjoy our bubbles and live more in space of calm and restful nights.  Life, therefore, is about growth and contribution, not always striving to be a Rock- Star at it.

It’s not always easy—often it takes some demanding self- awareness, immense amounts of effort, and tremendous courage to get outside of the confining dominance of our office space, get thicker skin and too simply dodge those higher (what we believe) chauvinist bullets. (and to know when to end note a tangent and to get off the darn soapbox)

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It’s just a little shit storm…

When was the last time someone criticized you? In my world I often find criticism manifesting  itself right under my own roof.  In all fairness, it doesn’t observable do it all the time and it’s not all that bad.  But sometimes it’s just enough for me to get that slightly irked condemned twitch! Good thing I’m like a duck!  When the criticizing shit storms happens, most times it just rolls right off my back and I waddle away!

For instance, I didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher the “proper” way. Hmmm, I guess I didn’t read the instruction manual that came along with the dishwasher either.  Who knew there is a right and wrong way to load the dishwasher?  You didn’t screw the dog food container on tightly enough? “Tightly enough!?” Sorry, I don’t man handle the lid and screw it down so tight that the next person has to get a crow bar to open it!

And just yesterday, after I spent several hours purging through the catch all kitchens closet and totally organizing  it. I got the Mr.Nitpicking blow to my productively accomplished ego. Yeah I know right!  Way to deflate someone just after they spent several hours unpacking piled up boxes of odds and ends of kitchen appliances, mismatched dishes, and handy gadgets.  All sorts of thingamajigs in which I had spent my time and money on treasure hunting and commercial consuming, not to mention allowing myself to get emotionally tied too over several years.

Of course, these entirely wonderfully handy dandy, got to have it and can’t live without it because it has sentimental value where all packed away in a box for nearly a year unused. Ha, the boxes may as well been labeled, “I might use these sometime?”  But no, I tossed, trashed and piled high into newly labeled boxes for Goodwill! Anyways, you’d think when the Mr. opened that closet and found that nothing came tumbling at him, that he would be proud of the little woman putting in a shelving unit and that everything now has its place neatly organized in this little nook of our home.

But no, instead the OCD, meticulous, detail oriented side of my husband came pouring out of his loving,  “I leave the toilet seat up for you”  constructive criticism comment.  Let me just critique the pain staking work you just did getting rid of all this crap de-cluttering this part of our lives, not to mention this closet and shit on your good wifey parade and say, “Why is the shelf facing that way?”

You see criticism is unavoidable—unless you do nothing and live as a recluse. But whenever you put things in motion, take action,  put yourself out there, whenever you expose your crazy  and sometimes ridiculous  ideas—be it via the dinner table, social media’s, or business meetings—you’re effectively wearing a sign that says “ open for criticism.”

Of course, some criticism is advantageous: feedback from people we respect and love helps us grow, and sometimes yes! To help us think more logically and to become more detail oriented. Other criticism, however, is toxic:  some of the fiercest examples I can think come from those of personal experience I’ve had on social media’s and blogging.   For those of us who blog, we defiantly open ourselves up ,free to the public contemptuous internet hobgoblins taking supercilious pokes at robbing us of our spirit.

As Joshua Millburn states, in his book Minimalism. “Trolls are like seagulls: they fly in, shit all over you, and fly away. They’re too stupid to understand the implications of their own actions.

Truth be told, most syndicates and critics bring nothing to the table: they simply project their own insecurities and add zero value to the conversation. And if we listen to them, their toxicity permeates our thoughts, making it difficult to create anything worthwhile.

So, you have two choices: either be your free spirited authentic self or be criticized.  Or hide from meaningful work because you’re too scared of a little bird poop getting on you and instead let fear control you because your worried of what others might think of you.

I’m with Millburn. Personally, I’d rather walk through a little shit storm and be a little unique and do something or be someone worth criticizing.  Than be a lazy, full of fear, insecure hide in my cave dweller.

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The Bloggers Recognition Award

picsart_01-08-06.51.47.jpgPing! Ping! Really!? What’s pinging me this early in the morning? It’s nearly 4am on a Sunday and I’m awaken from the sound of WordPress notifications drawing my attention awake to pick up my phone and see what the noise is about.

Wake up Sunshine it’s not a dream, Thoughts in life has  just left you a wonderful comment and nominated you for the Bloggers Recognition award! What!? Souls out there in the dark distance of the cyberspace cosmos are actually reading the nonsense I’m penning?

Well, isn’t that a pleasant wake-up call for me to keep “pressing” on and do what we writers do- Express! With that being said, I would like to express my gratitude and thanks to Thoughts in life in life and  my fellow “some of my favorite” bloggers below for their contributions and for adding value to our blogging community.

Although, it is true I do have my “favorites”, but if the truth be known I’m not much one for rules or nonetheless following them. However, to show my support and appreciation for being nominate for such an award. I guess I’ll play by these rules:

The rules of this award are:

#1 Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog
#2 Write a post to show your award
#3 Give a brief story of how your blog started
#4Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers
#5 Select 15 other bloggers for this award ( rule breaker- I selected some of my top 9)
#6 Comment on each blog to let them know you nominated them and link to the post you created.

 
So, 3rd RULE: If someone says “stop” or goes limp, taps out the fight is over. Oh wait, I need some more coffee! Where am I? Oh yeah! #3, give a brief story of how your blog started.
Oh gee! That’s a loaded request! I actually started “blogging” years ago, before blogging was so mainstream. About a couple of decades ago I had my own website and it quickly became sort of like a “Dear Abby” column.  I was newly divorced and writing “publicly” was a good outlet for me to recover from that catastrophic let down of my life. Not only that, writing had been a passion ever since I could remember and doing so in the medium in which I discovered was an exciting new way to articulate it.

However, after a while the writing began to weigh on me as I realized more and more followers anticipated the reciprocation of my words. Back then, to me in my already single mom madness of working full-time and raising a toddler. The writing started to feel more like another strain and obligation verses a pleasure in life.

At the same time, I felt conflicted because I loved writing and the people I was meeting from all walks of life doing it.  Coincidentally, I had meet a man who I had started a private “pen pal” ship with through my website. Too make a even “brief” story longer, this person whom I only wrote and never saw in person, ultimately committed suicide.  It was the breaking point for me to stop writing “publicly”. And thus, I shut down the website and carried on with life. In hindsight, I wonder where my blog would’ve been 10+ years later?

OK, so fast forward to today! Why I blog? I guess this is more of my advice verses the “why”. My thoughts and motivations towards blogging and why I do it vary from day to day. I guess if I had to put it up there in my top 15 reasons, is because I’m passionate about writing. I believe we all should have some sort of passion in life to follow and contributing to others in some way is a good way to do it.

Other “brief” reasons are, I’m creating a history of my life for my ancestors.  I blog because I make myself vulnerable in a world that weighs so much of their life on being “private”. Why! I often ask? I do it to rant, rave and ramble on while releasing my internal feeling and thoughts into wtitten words. I do it for the like-minded community, and not just for the “thumbs up”. I do it to contribute to society, to give something back to the world.  I do it in hopes that maybe something I say could create a  positive cause or effect.

Need I say more? I could go on and on with the “whys” and my two-cent advice. But, here I am. Where Am I? Dang it! Back to kind of following the rules….

As far as Rule #6 goes… I’m going to have to come up with a game plan that is more than half- assed commenting;)

The bloggers I nominate for this are:

lifevivified

Thecorneroffice

Not the Average Mama

Musings for a Tangled Mind

Fat Bottom Girl said What

ihaveanopinionidliketoshare

fattymccupcakes

I didn’t have my glasses on

Musing of a mad woman

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Karma is not a bitch!

As I sit here writing this expression of thought, I need to remind myself to be compassionate and not let ruminants of bitterness be articulated across this page. 

I also need to be cautious as to where I lead my heart and mind with my words, so that I do not senselessly open deep wounds that have long since been healed.

With that being said, as hard as I try sometimes, I can’t help the emotions good, bad, indifferent that have a mixing and mingling party in my soul.  This moment in time being one of them…

I feel a sense of empathy in which I can’t explain, because knowledge, experience and everything else in between my mind and heart tells me I should not have compassion when it is not deserved. 

But who are we to know exactly what a person deserves?  When to and when not to have sympathy for others? I guess in part the answer is circumstantial.

The benevolence I have is in respect to a man who has loved and lost four, from what I can gather, wonderfully deeply loving women in his life.   Perhaps, more than I know, but at least four that I do know of.

The actual truth of the underlying “why” and loss of these four women probably varies slightly from each. However, I do know that we each hold a come thread and that is that we simply couldn’t deliver. 

The significance of that is neither in his nor what I believe in any one of the four of us inabilities to have a baby.

I honestly believe the outcomes of such heartbreaks are explained by something higher than our own understanding. If you believe in any form of spiritual principles, then I believe you have an idea of what I’m talking about here.

The reason I feel such sadness for this man is that I know there is no greater love than that of a child.  But beyond that reason, I too feel sorry and have pity for people who are so broken.  I sincerely ache for men and woman both who desire this kind of love in life, but for some reason or another are not blessed with such.

But I also wonder sometimes when commitment and loyalty is only deep as conception, if there is consequences to one’s selfish intentions?   It’s just heartrending that some people heavily determine love, unity and a commitment, such as a marriage, solely by the weight of what they can get from it , including a bundle of joy.

As hard as it is to understand “fate” and “design” as you will in our lives, I wonder if it is by this notion of one’s selfishness that an individual conceives and creates karma for themselves.  That in fact, ramifications experienced in one’s life is a result of behaviors and actions taken during the course of it?

My witness to such confirms my belief that it does exist. That “bad”  KARMA is the sum of a person’s ill intentions and that being unkind, cruel, deceitful and heartless does have its repercussions. I see it as the spiritual principle of cause and effect. You see, the “intent” and action of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect).

I know what you’re thinking, yup! Karma is a bitch! Actually Karma isn’t a bitch.  Karma is just a payment of your deeds in the past and present. If you do good deeds and have good intentions then Karma will act less as a bitch to you!  How about this? Be the reason for happiness in others life with no agenda’s or expectations. Simply love them for who they are not what they can give you in return.

 

 

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I shall not procrastinate!

Are you a procrastinator?  I’ve never been one to drag my feet too much.  Well, that isn’t entirely true. I bet if I gave it more thought I could find a lot of things that I lag at.  Like, letting the clothes sit in the dryer for days on end.  Yup, I confess defiantly lack in my laundry folding duties. Ha, the Mr. loves that…not!

I have been on occasion pronounced as a real go-getter, “Oh that girl, she gets shit done!” However, lately it’s evident by all my little shit piles around the house, that I’m not really living up to my own standards of poop scooping achievement.

The stagnation in the air is causing this thick fog of lacksey-daisy and I just can’t get thought the haze of excuses, excess and unfinished To-Do lists.  Like, I’m just sitting here waiting for something to finally give!

I was even fortunate enough to have almost 2 weeks off paid for the holidays! Ya I know not a lot of employers do that.  Yes, I’m pretty lucky in that regard. So, when I heard I would have all this time off and no real plans.  I thought to myself, “Great! I’m finally going to get some time to navigate my way through some of this miasma!”

Well, so much for that laxative! The fog didn’t get lifted nor did I lift a finger!  Now that I’m back in the full swing of the daily grind, I’m certainly not singing praises to my time off not spent pushing it!  In fact, with the New Year here, I feel more backed up than ever!

It’s now been a year since we moved into the new house and I still have unpacked boxes! Day in and day out, month after month, I keep looking at our piles of miscellanea and the excessively stuffed closets and drawers. All kinds of “stuff” crammed here and there causing this uncomfortable blockage and strain on me.  Honestly, I just can’t take it anymore! I’m on a mission to get rid of some crap! 

I think my problem is that I look at all the heavy strenuous things around, such as the onerous spaces like the garage and storage closets and the idea of tackling those overwhelm me and I do nothing.  Well, except write what needs to be done on a “Weekend” To- Do list.

Obviously, the visual aids aren’t enough to motivate me, so what makes me think writing it down is any better?  Ok, so I’m a list maker! It’s what I do! Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I will say it does come in handy at the grocery store.

In the meantime, while I have all these grand ideas of organizing , purging and finally getting my shit together in an orderly fashion.   I’ve been intrigued sometime now with the ideas of minimalism and applying some of the concepts to my own life.  Well, what better time than the present and the beginning of the New Year to get off the pot and finally do something!

So, with that being said, I think this upcoming weekend I’m going to start with easy things; folding and hanging the superfluous clothes piled high in the easy chair in our bedroom and what’s left behind in the laundry basket.  Then perhaps move onto our master bathroom and throw out all the almost empty bottles of his and her hair and body products and whatever other crap that lurks unused under the  dark caves of the bathroom cabinets.

My hope is that if I begin with the small things that are painless and not so overwhelming, then as it often does inertia will take over me and I will get on a roll. Then hopefully I’ll be able pinch a little more off of the bigger stuff and bring some relief to some of the chaos weighing me down around the house.   I can already imagine how much lighter I will feel getting some shit actually done!

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As usual the year flew by..

As usual the year flew by and somehow I am left wondering how it’s already Jan 3rd 2017! As I sit here trying to unlock my 2016 memory vault of all the things big and small that I did and didn’t do…..

I find that with each passing New Year, I am less interested in the way I “should be” or how my life “should look”.  At this point, I’m more intrigued by the journey and the path in which life is taking me. With that being said, here I am doing exactly what I do every Janauryish, reflecting on all that was and all that is in comparison to the past and all that I desire and hope for the future.

In retrospect, 2016 is all kind of a blur! Because, what comes to mind this past year was filled mostly with days in and days out of up at 3:30am, grind it out all day long, 5 days a week till lights off.  I would say the rest of my “living” in 2016 was doing, giving and being a lot for others and not taking care of myself in other ways that I would’ve like too.

Yeah, I know, not having something “significant” to highlight my 2016 isn’t necessarily a bad thing, considering what others have endured and gone through this past year.  I’d say,  I’m  pretty damn lucky!  All in All,  I’ve had a substantially “good” year and that’s all the really matters.

With that being said, 2016 wasn’t a self-sacrificing offering of volunteering my time nor giving to a charitable foundation kind of way either. But nonetheless,it kinda was!  I gave tolerance, compassion and an abundance of generosity and contributions all out of goodwill.  Yes, I’m grateful 2016 blessed me with being a mom, wife, a good job, house to call home and wonderful family and friends.  Not to mention, a little more junk in the trunk!

Honestly,  I have no real tenancies for much change in 2017 , I’m ok with steadily holding fast to the wonderful and caring on 2017 just where I left off in 2016- kissing the night away with my husband and being genuinely HAPPY!

Yeah, I’m open to new beginnings and all that and caring a little lighter load in my trunk.  However I’m not going to declare modifications to the already good in my life.   Nor am I going to make promises or put expectations on myself that later become self-guilt that I beat myself up over when I can’t or don’t accomplish them.

You may find me though making lists of To-Do’s and brain storming hair brained ideas and mapping out projects I want to achieve this coming year.  However, you won’t find a list of challenges or resolutions posted on my refrigerator door!

Yet, one thing is for sure, I don’t want to find myself reflecting or writing about another year of self-denying other things that fulfill the days and months ahead.  So, I do expect I will be a little bit more selfish this year as I resolve to do more of the little things that add substance and more gratification to my already content life.  What exactly those things are? Honestly, I can’t really say right now. Hmmm…Here’s to living in the Now and a HAPPY New Year! Cheers!

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If you believe? Then you believe in…

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I think my son is on the fence of believing if Santa is real or not.  He is only four so he still has the wild imagination of make believe.  So, being the kind of mom I am, I too would like to keep that 4 year oldness about him as long as possible and keep him on this side of the fence!   Really, do you blame me?  Is it bad parenting to try to slow down some of the harsh truths of growing up?  Ok, don’t answer that!

At the same time of keeping his wild imagination alive, I know I need to do my responsible parenting bit and keep it in-line and from running too wild and too free. It’s quite the parenting balancing act at times.  Although, I’m one to be adulting! It’s kind of fun when our imaginations run wild and free! Isn’t it?! Yes! You can answer that one!

Even at four he also has this uncanny ability of pointing out the realistic views of his world. So, when he made the statement in a way I interpreted as a question, “Santa isn’t real!?”  I blurted out in my stay as young as you possible can mommy response, “YES! He is!” picked up some Legos and said let’s build something and left it at that! Thank God that tactic worked and he didn’t hard press me for the Santa truth.

Although with my daughter being 23, this isn’t my first, “Mom, I know you’re really, “Santa” rodeo show!  But, for now I’m going to ride this reindeer as long as I can! Or at least until  he gives me the stare down and say’s don’t lie to me!   Yeah, maybe he can handle the truth now of every child’s question, “Is Mom & Dad really Santa?” But I can’t! Until that day comes, I’m going to play fat, dumb and happy eating the cookies left out for Santa.

BUT!! (always a but) when that day comes, this is what I might say to my wise little man…

Son, sadly no! Daddy & I aren’t Santa.  There is no one single or married person that is Santa.  Yes, it’s true!  We fill your stocking and buy and wrap the presents under the tree-just as our parents did for us and their parents did for them, and you will do for your kids someday. You know like you always say when you’re big and tall just like Daddy you’ll be grown up. Yeah, by then I’ll be saying…Santa came to grammy’s house too!

I want you to know though, that just because you buy presents that alone could never make any of us or person Santa. Santa is a concept of lots and lot of things and people who keep the spirit of Christmas alive.  What is a concept you might ask? Ok, a concept is like a belief!  It lives in our hearts- not at the North Pole. “Santa” is the magic, love and spirit of being open and giving to others. The idea of Santa is to teach children to believe in something they can’t see or touch.  “Why?” I know you will ask. Because, why at 4 is a big part of your vocabulary, and in anticipation of 5, 6, 7 or older, I bet it still will be.

Why! Because at whatever age you are at, throughout your life you will need this capacity to believe in yourself and in others.  Why!?  Because you need to believe in the magic of love and that giving to others is better than receiving.  That the spirit of kindness will take you places and bring people into your life far more than any shining new bike aside a decked out Noble fir will.

You’ll need to be able to believe in things you can’t measure or hold in your hands. Just trust me! Maybe someday we will be talking about the law of attraction too!

Ok, so now you know the secret of how Santa gets down all those chimneys and through the front door of those houses without chimneys and now you know, who really ate all those cookies!   You know the truth, that “Santa” is really the help from all the people whose hearts are filled with merriment.

And just as you are now, full of 4 year old cheer and happiness, there are mommies and daddy’s and people just like you!  With full hearts, taking turns helping do a crazy stressful  job that otherwise would be impossible for one fat bearded man in a red suit to do all alone.

So, no little man, sorry I lied to you at four or five?  I didn’t mean too!  Sorry I had to tame your imagination of who Santa really is.  But I want you to believe!  Envision there is a world with lots of people like the idea of  what Santa is, and if you believe there is… then you believe in love, magic, hope and happiness.  I believe!  So, son keep on believing!  Keep a little Santa alive in you for now and always!   Yay,  I’m on Team Santa!  High five!  Now let’s make some cookies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ve gone and lost my electoral virginity

Why is that every time around election time I feel that I am being prosecuted when asked, ”Do you vote?”  As if I’m on trial and I feel I need to defend and explain myself as to why at my age I have never voted.

Like I could just answer with a simple “No”, but my usual counter defensive response is that of one of explaining myself and trying to plead a “ I’m not guilty” sort of answer.   Of course, nothing I say matters, since it seems that you immediately implicate yourself regardless  as non- American and ignorant if you don’t vote and say no.

So my self-justification reasoning for not voting is one of that I don’t believe “we the people” should vote simply because it is a right and choice.  I strongly feel that in order to vote that one (including myself) should be educated about the issues and/or people presented.  For the majority, I just don’t see that people do.

I feel and see that too many people are swayed by popular public opinions and general follow what is “well-liked” by the masses instead of taking the time to educate themselves on the propositions and articulate their own views.

Ok, fair enough. All these years, I could’ve voted.  Guilty!  I’ve been lazy, simply because, I have not been convinced that taking the time to educate myself in order to vote was worthy enough to do so. And that’s probably because my mindset has also all along  been clouded by the devil’s advocate right hand gal on my shoulder whispering  in my ear, “Do you think your vote really counts?”, “It’s all a big political conspiracy theory anyhow”.

Ok, so being lazy is one thing but convincing myself that all the hype is one big scheme to make us all think our vote really counts.  Hmmm?  Maybe?   But am I being rational?

But then the opposing advocate on my left shoulder whispers, do you believe in blind faith?   Well, yeah of course I do. So, using that analogy, I think to myself, what if I’m wrong to believe that it’s some crazy ploy on us all and that my vote does really count. My next thought is followed by with a marque of “What do I got to lose?”

Well, the truth is I don’t really have anything to lose.   So I invest some time to read through the issues presented and get a little more educated. Regardless if I vote or not, being able to intelligently make my own mind up without being part of the mindless cohesion is enough reason for me  in itself.  Even though I’m not big on politics or really interested,  It wouldn’t  hurt me to being able to speak somewhat knowledgeable when it comes to dogmatic disputes.

So, if I’m going make a choice to  not be lazy this year and actually invest some time to get “politically aware”, then I may as well also believe that my vote counts! Right?

With that being said, there’s a first for everything. I’ve gone and lost my electoral virginity and registered to vote.  Have you?

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Duh! Now that is a no brainer!

I keep staring at this white screen looking for the right words to say, or even muster up any sort of feelings to share….

But, I have nothing of real importance to report. Well, I guess I do but I don’t.  Yeah, and I guess that’s been part of my blogging cope out lately.

Oh well, I sprained my knee a few weeks back which took me a bit sideways from what was my upside of feeling better.  Yeah, I’ve lost some weight too.  But, I don’t feel good, bad or indifferent about it. I just feel kind of eh about it for varies reasons.

Mainly, because I know myself well enough to know when I deserve a pat on the back and when I’m putting myself all in to what I have committed too.  Yeah, I’ve done just “ok” slowly losing and maintaining the last few weeks.  I’ve been keeping to clean eating, but being injured has slowed my  “feeling good” momentum down and that’s been a real sort of kinda bummer for me. At the same time, feel alright where I’m at with it all.

Anyways, by the looks of it I’m not keeping up with my blog as I hoped I would. Ha! So typical me, jack of all trades, master of none!  Nope, I don’t have a good reason.  Obviously, just not enough hours in a day. Duh! now that is a no brainer!

Reality is there are never enough hours in the day for me to play with everything I want to play with which includes writing. And, perhaps even more specifically, my body has a finite amount of play allotted to each day before it just simply gives out.  Huh, maybe someday I will freely get to spend moments of my life pursuing whatever whimsy strikes me and have the freedom to just play around.

Sometimes I get a bit jealous when my inbox is full of daily postings from other bloggers. I think to myself, “How the hell do they have so much time to sit around and write!?”,” I wonder what their life must be like to be able write and post like they do every day?”  You tell me?

Me? I don’t write every day and can’t write  because my life is like this….

I do not have the financial freedom to be free from the alarm clock waking me every day at 3:30am to get my tired ass to work.

Because I spend a good portion of my day managing other people’s finances and solving problems rather than having the freedom to do what I want. I am busy actually working making a paycheck!

Because somedays, (most days lately) I just feel all over the place emotionally and anxious more than I’ve feel like my true self. And honestly, I don’t want to project that out to others. It’s like a fog and so when I do go to write about something I just can’t think clearly enough to move in any one direction.

And, I haven’t written because truthfully,  I have better and more important things to do, like being present and enjoying time with my family, instead of running myself ragged trying to be all or nothing and instead of being present for people who could care less about what I do, what project I’ve done, what’s happened in my life or what opinion I must state.

Yeah, I know there I go sounding a bit pessimistic!  But that’s where my life pendulum is swinging today. Perhaps tomorrow it will swing more on the optimistic side and I’ll have the time and energy to write about it.

 

 

 

 

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The proof is in the words…

“Excuse me”, I don’t want to offend you, but I just have to ask,” “Have you lost weight!?” said a co-worker from the break room.  Well, YES!!!  I have! I’ve lost about 15 pounds in the last couple of months. Not offended at all!  Thank you for noticing!

As if the numbers dropping on the scale wasn’t enough for me.  I’ve been waiting for someone to utter those magical words.  wp-1473259342576.jpg“Have you lost weight?”   I don’t know why I needed that external affirmation to happen as badly as I had been wanting to hear it.  But it did! Finally today!  And honestly, it has given me that added extra encouragement and motivation I’ve been lacking the last week.

Well, the journey the last couple of months has not been easy but it is finally starting to show and be worth all my effort in staying focused and disciplined.Yup, my proof is not  on the scale, or my clothes fitting better, but in the words I hear…

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Let’s be real….

Let’s be real for a moment we all are having a hard time.  We are all insecure about something…everyone struggles! 

 Everyone is exhausted; we all need more exercise, rest and relaxation.  Everyone wishes they had more audacity, more financial freedom, fortitude,  better bodies and social skills. 

Everyone wants more excitement in their life, marriages, and relationships.  Heck, are we not human?!

And yes, we all are desperately in need of more good health, laughter, love and kindness.  Yeah, and if you’ve reached adulthood, you too have questioned at some point; and cannot figure out how you ended up living the life you were lead or how you got to feel and be the way you are now. Well, some women do because they just had a baby!

Some of us just struggle and don’t know where to begin to change it or make it better. Some of us need a high-five for just getting out of bed!   One thing is for sure, don’t be misled by the highlight reel of what society constantly previews, it’s not reality!  Life is a battle for everyone.

Sometimes in our days, we need to just stop and listen to what we are speaking to ourselves; you are not made up of those opinions or words or there lack of that impair you.  

You are not the likes or dislikes of social media’s. You are not the comments or feedback that you expect to get or hear. You are not that number on the scale or numbers society that say you are of value.

You are not the expectation that you feel you will never meet; you are made up of nothing more than right now and who you are meant to be in the moment.  This doesn’t mean that the present moment doesn’t change because change is unavoidable.

Know that you are simply a lovely and a complex soul wrapped in a physical body that changes.  Beyond the physical, know that what is individually fascinating and attractive is the combination of thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions. There is no other as you and that doesn’t change.

So try to look past society’s messages, look past the unresponsive, look past acceptance,  look past your mirror, look past the words of insecurities projected inwardly and internalized.

Instead try taking a look into your soul with open eyes… Only then will you see yourself as truly who you are, what you truly  need and what kind of life you want to live and what you need to do to be living it the way you want to see it.

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So far…I got this!

The only thing standing between you and a goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself. Sitting and waiting for the right time in life won’t get you back to where you felt incredible in your own skin. People telling you look “fine” and love you the way you are don’t make it ok to settle into being unhealthy and overweight. Or that being “older” and in your forties is just the way it is as you age. Justifying and explanations for  how you got back to feeling this way , won’t convince you  either that this is “just my life now and I’m happy”.

Yeah,   money, time, energy, and resources are all realities in all of our lives and when you stop letting those get in your way too who knows what the possibilities can be?    Just because something is HARD doesn’t mean it’s impossible to achieve.  I know this; I’ve done it before!   When you put it in your mind and focus every day that you are going to do something to create change. Then make every single day about one step closer to getting there.  Keep asking yourself what you can do today to get you that much closer to your goal and keep telling yourself “Don’t give up” it’s going to take time.  If you want something bad enough you will put in the effort and work to get there. BUT…It’s up to you to really want it!

I’ve lived it and I’m living it! So I already have my proof that it can be done. No dream is too big, no goal is too crazy when it’s what you really want.  It may take months, and even years to get there, it will be hard and you will want to quit and you will probably stumble along the way, get distracted with other life events, hell you may even crash and burn and backslide into old ways, put 50+lbs back on when you told yourself just 3 years ago, “No way will I ever go back to being unhealthy and fat!”   …but when you’ve made it and you’ve done it before, you know that all things are possible. …you know without a doubt looking in the mirror and say…”I CAN DO THIS!”

So, 6 weeks at doing “this” and focusing and I’m down ten pounds and feeling so much better!

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Stepping it up…

Last week when I started writing this post and had to “file and save” due to life and spinning plates,   So let’ see where was I? Yup, there I was!  I was stuck in my own head dodging rapid thoughts of “rather be doing” and writing than something productive that I actually get paid for doing. A tiny guilt stricken, yet I’m clock watching for digits to turn to 11:00am so that I may escape these confining four walls of ada girl  and breath in some fresh  air and  power walk my way around the block.  I find myself really enjoying the 11am hour Monday through Friday these days.

Although,  I struggle with writing another woe’s me,” how did I let myself become this chubby girl?” prompt?   On a more positive key stroke,   I will say since I decided to wake up and start facing reality about my fitness and really start doing something about it. So far,  I wouldn’t say I feel great but I will say I’m feeling much better. Although “better” is pretty good, since it’s only been a few weeks of baby stepping my way back to that part of the me who loves feeling that old familiar girl within…motivated, energized and determined!

With that being said, one must walk before you can run (again) ! So, I’ve been walking at least 30-45 minutes a day , 5 times a week for about 3 weeks  now. Although, I know deep down in my old gym rat heart that just walking isn’t going to get me to my happy weight place.  Yeah,I’ve also been contemplating taking some before and after pictures before gaining any more mileage on my “trainers” and incorporating weight training back into my routine.

Anyways, it’s something! And something right now along with being totally conscious of what I put in my mouth and digesting is better than being full of excuses and unconsciously inhaling whatever I want and avoiding the scale.  I know the “Mr. loves me as I am” attitude isn’t going to keep me fitting into my clothes and besides it’s not about him or anybody else. It’s about me! And it’s about time I start being a little selfish and getting back to that part of me who prances naked in front of the mirror, embraces the number on the scale smiling and feels great!

Well, back to dodging my thoughts! I hate that I find myself examining and analyzing what I should write.  Yeah, so my desire is to stay humble as begin to document this expedition of  incredibly shrinking me. However, I also know that accountability is key. When you put something out there and say it “out loud”, then to me there is a certain amount of accountability to my words and actions.

So I think my actions are actually speaking louder than my words!  In the last few weeks, to my  utter surprise  my scale is proving it!  And I couldn’t be more motivated to keep it moving in a negative direction.  So part of doing that is “stepping” up my efforts.  Haha, total pun intended! The Mr. and I are flipping the dump all and no use  spare room into a usable home gym space.

I’ve spent a good part of my earlier career years managing gyms, driving to and from and paying my fair share of gym fee’s that I really don’t want to invest my time, energy and money into going to a gym anymore.  Soooo, now that I finally have a space in my home to make a home gym, that what I’m going to do!

With that being said, hubby talked me off the “I’m buying all new equipment” ledge and convinced me to get some used equipment. We bought our first piece last week. A “barely” used elliptical. wp-1470684862224.jpgYay! It’s getting my sweat on just fine. Next we plan to rip up the carpet and put in rubber mat flooring before we stock the room with free weights and other gym equipment.

Anyways, it appears I need to run over to this other plate that’s about to drop and start spinning it! So stay tuned 😉

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I’m so tired of listening to the arguing!

When we start to connect to ourselves and see the truth of who we are, it becomes harder and harder to turn our backs on ourselves.  When we listen to that voice, we strengthen our relationship with ourselves so that we become more resilient in the face of struggles and stresses that are part of the life journey. When we take action from our inner wisdom, we begin to take better care of our emotional and physical needs. When we listen, play and follow through on those inner nudges, it is easier to begin living life from a balanced, peaceful place that is in line with who we are. When we live from our truth we are better able to show up in the world to offer our unique gifts and to help brighten the path for others we share space with out in the world”

I’m so tired of listening to the arguing!  Lately, that’s all I do is nag, nag, nag me! Who is this disagreeable, negative self-talking person staring back at me in the mirror? And why won’t she shut the f’ up!?  Well, probably because she knows who she really is, what she truly desires, and what she knows she is capable of!  And well, she isn’t going to stop beating me up until I do something.

I know, she’s unrelenting and isn’t going to stop with the self-loathing until it sinks in enough to do something about it and she stops making excuses.   I know how severely tangled up with the noise of life I’ve become; so much so, that I can barely hear the confident powerful voice of a strong knowing anymore. But it’s there, even though that beautiful actuality of who I really am capable of being has become the white noise in the background to the rest of everything else going on around me.

I know it’s not easy and it’s going to take a lot of work to come back to the place of hearing and listening to the soft yet powerful voices of my own truth. I know that I need desperately to respect myself enough to follow through with my own inclinations that will lead me to regain that physical confidence, lost body image happiness and my unique vision of a balanced life.

I know, because I’ve been there!  I know that listening when my soul speaks is a practice that can transform the moments in my day and bring me closer to living life from a place that sits well with who I am at my core.

So Self!  When you’re  looking in the mirror and hear your soul speak, you need to stop arguing and see what happens when you actually listen to that voice of positive affirmation, good reason and begin to take steps in the direction you are being pressed and urged to go, even if they are baby ones.

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What can this representative of the geek sphere offer up?

So , typical of me to face this white blank screen and my first flashing cursor inclination is to digress to transcribing my weekend whereabouts, woes, wonderment, and whatnot’s. 

 Although the passing of this particular weekend involved a 3 day escape from the run- of – the -mill into the backwoods with my close net clan of diversely dysfunctional individuals is probably one worth notating and going off on a tangent. 

 However, I will spare you the shenanigans of my weekend follies and rifle for some other subject matter of craziness and insignificant rambling that may bore or possibly be of interest.

Therefore, what can this representative of the geek sphere offer up? Although I’d like to believe I’m not your average geek girl. The reality is that I’m an everyday wildflower sprouting up among the weeds.  

I think I’m just more vocal and expose my vulnerabilities more than others.   I don’t mind being uprooted and open to learning and sharing different life experiences. I do think I may stand taller in the masses of grass and having some sort of understanding and perception about being miscellaneous in an in line and square planted society. 

 I think it comes along with the territory of being drawn to the idiosyncratic and quirkier side of life, than more of the mainstream way of thinking and being.

Anyways, what an encumbrance it can be being the kind of out- of- the- ordinary box nerdy miss that I am.  I always have too many ideas and interests and never enough resources, time and energy to tackle them all. 

So, they stack up little by little in my inner being vault of to-do’s and unfilled dreams creating a labyrinth of overwhelming wants and desires.

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Lately, navigating this labyrinth of twists and turns in my attentions and passions has been aggravating because I can’t seem to find any one fixation to concentrate and focus on. 

I find myself all over the place and not ever really accomplishing anything.  Kind of like this blog, they say you should pick a “theme”  and build upon that one thing to become  successful.

So not me, I am not one dimensional and therefore compartmentalizing and restricting me to having and being one specialty is difficult.  So, perhaps this here pipe-dream too will lead me to a dead –end.  But just as life…we stampede through the loquacious woods and (word)press on!

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Tenaciously Key Stroking…

Some blog I read today …”Life is fact not fiction.”  What a preamble of words to some great writing.  Although it escapes me sometimes and feel I live in a reality of both, if that makes any sense?

 Of course it doesn’t because I have no idea what I’m talking about most the time. I just let my thoughts randomly run wild and find myself tenaciously key stroking trying to articulate them fast enough to keep up with my mind to get them moving along across the screen.

Ok, some let me catch up too my next arbitrary inspiration. So you say is it being selfish if you’re not hurting anyone? 

Well, honestly I’ve been thinking about that very query since I read it.  I know since when did I turn into a novice psychologist? 

For the record, I didn’t and I’m not a Ms. Know it all.  So, once again pardon my “femaleness”.

Anyways, yeah you’re probably right, you’re not hurting anyone. That is at the moment!  Although, your sleepiness and tossing turning last night on the subject would lead me to believe, the person you’re hurting most is you!  

Our internal struggles hurt don’t they? Especially when they keep us awake at night! So see beyond your own conflict of what’s really right and wrong, it’s all good until someone you love does get hurt. 

 Damn, morality! I just saying, more people should have some!

And contrary to what you voice my fellow biographer. That kind of wandering is not cool nor is dwelling in cold damp dark caves of the past.   

With that being said, I think I’ll hold off scrutinizing more of this read, that’s not cool either! Although Bravo! I have to say very thought provoking!

By the way, to the disheartened novelist, my hope for is to find something in the present that really inspires you enough to really open up. I too find myself in a place of pessimism more often than not, balancing on what I deem conscious and unconscious melancholy.

And, I know my fellow analyst what kind of stories would we have to tell our grandchildren if it weren’t for f’d up ones about mistakes and missed opportunities? Where do you think the term, “learn by my mistakes” came from?

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An avenue beyond my self-centeredness…

I don’t know about you?  But for me there’s a small bit of anxiety that inhabits in every truth that makes up who I am when  I open myself up in written words.  It’s a small fear that is shared with every honest key stroke I send out and it sometimes undermines the self-assured confidence I compartmentalize within.

Yeah, sometimes I deny it or pretend it doesn’t exist. But, it’s there! It occupies a small but powerful place within me and is fed by self-doubt and a relentless search to find the perfect words that may bridge the gap of open  honesty and indifference.  Such fear dwells within my inner dialogue and stems from who I am — that in which I feel makes me feel out of the ordinary.

I feel it is that same fear that keeps so many other people locked in silence because they fear that they too might be misunderstood or that honesty will bare only a weakness or expose truths about themselves.  Honest truths that we ourselves don’t want to face. Whether this silence is in our day to day communications, relationships, marriages and for those of us who simply write about it.  It is silence and so called “privacy” that protects our hearts while stifling the voice that threatens to expose our vulnerability. It saddens me that so many remain sheltered in this needless self- contained “privacy” when they have so much to share and to give to others.

Yes, it has been a controversial decision on and off in my life to write publicity and to open up about my true feelings and life experiences with letting those I love and the world in. It is often questionable to others and not understood why I share in the way that I do.  Even in doing so, it is often difficult thing to actual find adequate words to do so — to make it understandable, embraceable, yet most importantly, relatable and non-offensive.  And I know, not everyone can articulate themselves in such a way.

I suppose that is why I often edit, generalize and hide behind the smokescreens of vagueness and sarcasm myself.  This form of expression has never been for me to create a platform for arrogance, benevolence, vanity, empathy, or all or none of the above, but an avenue for a means that extends far beyond my self-centeredness.

It’s a way that I relate universal feelings or experiences to this gift of life we all have been given.  A means that I can translate my ever-changing thoughts, feelings, talents and experiences into words that may connect with other hearts and lives of those in which I’m sharing.  Not to expose this ordinary life I live but to honestly share this beautiful existence I am gifted — showing that the details of each of our lives may differ but that the difficulties we face, the talents we possess, the beautiful moments we celebrate, and love we all feel are rooted in the same breath that sustains each of us. This is not to highlight my own that in which makes me think I am different or better from one another but to reflect a connecting honesty for which we are each capable of being, but not all of us are willing.

In this life there are often more questions than any of us has answers to and sometimes a small but powerful inner fear silences me too from voicing my own self-doubts, and the ruminating questions that stir within me. In such self-doubt and questioning I feel most vulnerable and  something I sometimes struggled with — finding the words to translate the embodiment of and its cause and effects to those I’ve entrusted to be a part of my life’s journey. I realize there are no “right words” to accomplish such a task, only a life that exudes honesty and is built upon gratitude for every beautiful experience. Within each one of those life experiences is a fearful vulnerability that challenges my initial inclination to retreat within the safety of my silence and refined façade.

However, I will relentlessly continue to search for the right and honest words, hoping that each one ignites love, laughter and hopeful possibility that can only exist within the unique vulnerability that makes me truly who I am , that of which I can give back to others.   This is  why I write!  wp-1468426786700.jpg

Every single day, today more than ever, we are each given a choice: to be defined by the small yet silencing fears that dwell within us, forever searching for the right expression or words. Or, we can live in a place of trusting  who we are, our expressions and openness and be in a space of hope-filled exposure that openly gives and shares our life experiences the chance to thrive and give back something to others.

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A bit mediocre! That’s how I role sometimes!

Well, guess you’ve been waiting to turn the page in this here book you’ve been reading. Or not?

What can I say? I guess I’m just one of those people that has too many roles! Wish I could just slow my role half the time! Anyways, not that I have any one of them figured out! I hear ya… I don’t think I’ve ever figured out my own role in life either, but needless to say  unlike some, it hasn’t been difficult doing the Wifey role.

If you haven’t noticed,  today’s musings is “Role”, it appears that a lot of people have something to say and express about their roles in life.  I just find it puzzling that so many people stumble over themselves trying to figure out their exact roles in life.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone ever has their own life roles figured out.  So sorry, you’re human and not really all that different from the rest of us all.

By the way, I love the openly analytical. Especially when it comes from a male perspective, I wish I knew what it was that makes a male “think” out loud more?

I have an excuse I’m a woman, so thinking and analyzing is in my DNA.  And, well I admit, I’ve always known I was this way. In the analytical sense,  ya know, kinda hanging off over the deep end and top heavy!

Yup, I do the role of a sarcastic, smart ass, short stack who has a unorthodox way of thinking out loud, which often has me choosing the wrong words and opening mouth inserting foot.  And on occasion,  has someone staring back out me from across the table with a wonderment in their eyes, as they whisper next to the person sitting by them,  like I can’t hear them saying…

“Why did she say that?”

Anyways, guess you can say my drive has been low lately. Although, not in the same sense as a lot of yours of course.  I just haven’t had a lot of inspiration to blog or write much the last couple of weeks, let alone do much of anything else.  I feel a lack of my usual “spunkyness”.   Yeah, I know that’s not a word! myonics at it’s finest!

Well, there you have it! It’s a short chapter and a bit mediocre! But, that’s how I role sometimes.

 

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Back when my life was so ambiguous….

Funny how some days you can wake up feeling heavy with a rumbling of self-loathing in your gut. But then the next day you wake up feeling light and carefree. 

Like the fairy laxative mother came during the night and waved her wand of “I don’t give 2 shits today”, and then sprinkled chill pill dust on you.  Ya, I know right!? What have I been digesting!?

No matter the days where I can escape the heaviness, I’m constantly processing that tiny part of me back when my life was so ambiguous all alone. 

 When I had nothing but myself to care about and could be totally self- absorbed. Where that solitude and separateness drove and motivated me to fill the abstruseness of life through fitness and being my very best physically and mentally.

It was time in life when I felt incredibly sexy, strong and confident. I was my very best self!

Some days I do self-loath wondering what happened to my drive and why I can’t get it back no matter what I do.  I feel like I have just substituted those elements in my life for feeling whole in another sense through love, comfort and security.

 Which isn’t bad thing, but why can’t I find it within myself to have a little balance and have the best of my before and after??

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I’m just an outsider….

I’m just an outsider reading through the lines of speaking from the heart of truthful words. I have tendency to be drawn into reading about how people question their roles in relationships and marriage.

Maybe it makes me think of my own. From my experience, my husband has made it very clear to me my role in his life.  Even in the beginning when I was extremely scared to step foot into his world, there hasn’t been any question to my existence and my role in his life from then till now.   He’s always made me feel extremely loved, wanted, desired and that my place is with him and in his life. No doubts to write here-  I am happy!

It says a lot about a man or woman to be able to draw a person in like that. You know,  in such a way that a person overcomes their past and fears. To completely love them and to continue to show it over time.

Well, your role of storytellers and this once upon a time  “I use to be happy” has got me sitting in anticipation of what the next narrative is going to read.  However, most times when scenes of life are played out and there is a “Well, I use to happy…BUT ” it’s a sign for me to reach for a tissue!

Speaking of reaching for a tissue!   Who says you are ever too old to play with yourself!  Gee, to read about someone never having dreams or aspirations!?!?  You mean to tell us, you never had a wet dream and do “nothing” to aspire to indulge in self-gratification.  I don’t believe you!  yup, as one would write that is living within the means of mediocre! Your right, it is all about the experiences that come and how we handle them. But if that is how you choose to live your life who am I to rain my thoughts and comments on anyone’s shriveled mediocrity.

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Everything I love and hate about summer…all wrapped into one stifling, sticky, self- tanning, and self- conscience pain in the ass season!

Confession time! I’m not going to lie! Tis the high tide season of guilt ridden internal struggles of  I should’ve and I could have’s, compounded by secret jealous envious bouts towards sleeveless and short wearing sexy summertime cuties.

Yup, bring on the heat! Not!  Everything I love and hate about summer…all wrapped into one stifling, sticky, self- tanning, and self- conscience pain in the ass season!

So far, my biggest summertime issues, besides wearing a swimsuit are wearing shorts! Well, also besides being freakishly concerned about my chubby arms and that no one takes a picture of me. If they do, at least get me standing up and half behind someone, please not sitting down, because even God knows you are way thinner looking standing up than you are sitting down.

Shorts! Was um, the real point I was trying to get to up there. I’m the woman who doesn’t wear shorts in public or around people, except for my hubby whom I wear my comfy, cotton, draw string, baggy, lounge around the house shorts. Bless his heart; he loves me as I am. Heck, he’d just prefer I’d wear nothing at all. Anywaaaaaays, we won’t go there!  Yeah, I’m the woman who doesn’t even own a pair of regular shorts nor do you want to see me in them!

I have to say, it is like a punch in the gut when someone says “you look hot” it’s even more super annoying when  some woman or man with their sun kissed bare skin half naked exposed self , gets all “aren’t you hot in jeans?” , “It’s super-hot out!”  Duh, yeah I know its 100 degrees out! I know I’ve put on a few pounds and lost my wits about staying super fit, but I’m certainly not stupid!

Of course, I play stupid. And I am all, HOT!?!  “No, not at all!” as the bead of sweat drips down my back , wishing I could rip all my clothes off and escape the mild humiliation to a cold shower.

Yeah, I would love to wear shorts too!  But obviously you can’t see sunlight through the gap between my hammock having thighs and what appears to be my now aging flat ass. And no one wants to see the approaching middle- aged woman pulling at her creepy crawling shorts up her vajayjay constantly anyhow.

Yes! I openly admit it! I envy you women who you can wear shorts totally chafe free, with heels, and those cute little camis with the built in bras so you don’t need to have a bra strap showing, which, BTW, you can also kiss my hot sweaty flat ass.

Annnndddd……this is why I crave cold blended margaritas!

So I can stay cool, calm and chill and keep my resentment at bay towards all short wearing sun worshipers who don’t require under wires or baby powder between their legs. Bitches! For real, aren’t you cold? Do you think it’s nippy in here?  I do, thank God I’m wearing pants. Plus, I haven’t shaved in a few days! Happy summer! Where’s the ice and tequila?!

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Sticking this feather in my frugal mommy hat!

picsart_1466205009940.jpgBringing fruition to a vision!  Do you know what I mean? Most of us I’m sure have things we inspire to do, right!?  But somehow life happens and we just can’t spin as many plates as would like too. Well, I wish I had more time to really spin this blog plate and write about all the things that I am passionate about.  I have many “loves”, beyond just being a writing, rambling, ranting, wifey, and mommy.  Surely,   my intent to “blog” again wasn’t out of some narcissist need to solely write about my “feelings” and my life comings and goings. Sooooo….

One of my hopes in creating this blog was to add value not only to my own life through sharing episodes of my life experiences but to add value to others as well.  Part of my vision included inspiring and encouraging others through sharing some of my other passions. Which in part, (but not limited too) cooking, re-purposing/up- cycling, jewelry making and photography.

With that being said, one of my all-time favorite things to do is to spend time with my daughter trolling around consignment and antique shops.  We just love hopping around shop to shop, “antiquing” and “treasure hunting”.  I’m so blessed that we have this mother/daughter passion together to find old used things to re-purpose into useful, unique and one of a kind treasures.

Recently, my daughter feel in love with a $1000 dollar mirrored dresser. However, buying a $1000 mirrored dresser in my book is not only practical; it’s not in this mommy’s budget. So we decided to take on doing one ourselves.

For starter, we put our creative minds to work, researched Pinterest of course and we went on the hunt!  We found this cheap 5 drawer dresser at a consignment store for $40. We then got a large piece of glass- FREE! Gotta love ones man’s trash is another woman’s treasure! Yeah, some guy was doing a house remodel project and posted a free mirror on Craigslist.  Score!

All it took was a quick coat of Metallic Spray paint and a trip to the glass cutter to cut the mirror. Which we measured twice (three times) and it was mapped out on graph paper for the glass shop.  Although, I was half tempted with this project to try my skills at glass cutting, we left it for the professionals for this project. Heck, for additional $40 bucks! It was well worth the professionals to cut!  BTW, we could’ve got away with getting it cut for only $20 had we not opted for smooth rounded corners.

Last but not least, a tube of industrial adhesive to attach the mirrors and  Diamond Shape Crystal Glass Drawer Pulls (only $12 on Amazon for 12!) . Add impatiently waiting setting/ drying time.  And, Wala! An old chest of drawers turned glam mirrored dresser for less than $100 bucks!

Well, I admit baby girl did most of this work on this project, but I’m still sticking this feather in my frugal mommy hat!

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He likes big butts….

It’s Father’s day weekend! Yup, another reason to get the family together for some foul mouthed, horse playing around , good ol’ sarcasm, glass clinking and food grubbing!

The Mr. and I have had a few gatherings at our place since purchasing our new home.  However, since summer has arrived we have been doing more “entertaining” than we have in the past in our tiny home.

While I love having “parties” and people over.  I also have a whole new appreciation for family/friends members whom host “get-togethers” at their place!  There is always more  work, planning and preparation than one thinks in having people over.

Even when I try to convince myself, “It’s just casual”, and I’m just making something simple and keeping it low key. It never really is that way and I seem to find myself running in circles preparing for company.   It always seems like more “work” than I had anticipated.   Well, except on a rare spontaneous occasion when chicken , a tossed salad and no mopped floors will just have to do.

First, it’s deciding on a “menu” and what to feed everyone and then doing all the shopping. Perhaps, that is my biggest downfall. I stress myself out more than I need too.  I really need to take lead from other family member’s whom seem to have success at the “bring your own dish” and have mastered the art of the pot luck.

My problem is I need to get over my love of having a group of willing taste testers to try our culinary creations.  We love to cook and try new things, !  When I  say “we” love to cook, I really mean I love to cook!  “Cooking” to the hubby is grilling, but he  does like to try new things.

So,  just as I do with my everyday meal planning and cooking, I love coming up with food combinations that go well together and then finding new recipes to try, especially when there is a crowd of unsuspecting participates…hehe.   Yes, I know, crazy and Martha Stewart as it sounds, I enjoy it!

Speaking of enjoying!  hubby likes big butts!  Of course he can’t deny when I big pork butt is in the smoker, he gets BBQ sprung! Ok, so that was corny and I’m laughing at my own stupidity. But who cares it’s my blog!  So anyways, the Mr. and I thought we’d try smoking some pork to make pulled pork sandwiches this weekend.    What goes better with pulled pork sandwiches than some slaw? Hmmm, I dunno? So, I’m trying my luck with some slaw making!  How hard can that be?  What else?

So, what else will there be?  I have this other problem of asking people to bring things. I dunno?  I just feel weird inviting company to  my house and then asking them to bring food and drinks. Perhaps, I fear that if we don’t prepare it ourselves and I rely on others to bring provisions then there won’t be enough for everyone to sip and chow down on, or that we might end up with a 1/2 dozen store bought party trays of veggies.   And thus, I make the nosh list myself and find time to head to the store! Did I mention, I love cooking but hate going grocery shopping!

Sure enough, even the simplest and cheapest of menu options turns into 3 times as much at the grocery store.  Which is three times the costs , three times the energy to put it all away and three times more effort in pulling it all together into one cohesive meal.  Anyways, just when I have all the food bought and put away. There is the house to “clean”. Not that we live in pig’s den  all during the time when we don’t have guests.

It’s just that a certain “extra” amount of house cleaning goes in to having people over.  Do I need to explain?  Because, honestly, just thinking about the dusting, scrubbing the toilets and mopping the floors is exhausting me.

Well, now that the we bit of ranting is over.  I can actually say I look forward to it all and love having my family over.  It’s so worth the craziness every time!

It’s FRIAAADDDAY!  1 hour ,22 minutes and 35 seconds and I’m blowing this popsicle stand and heading home so weekend good times preparations can begin! Have a good one!

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Sexist Mood point…

I find myself in my own head a lot. Hmm, sounds like a crazy person. Well, perhaps I do lose my sanity from time to time or a few days a month!  The thing is the older I get, the more self-aware of these “temporarily” insane moments I have and thus the more I want to work on my weaknesses. Aging has defiantly made me more aware of my feelings, behaviors and managing it all.

With that being said, I wish I had more time to articulate those deliberations more often into written words. Anyways, here I am again deep in my own piles of mood points trying to squeeze in a few minutes to pound out some keys…

Mood Point:  crazy or not , we have all had our “good” days  and “off” days, right?  You know what I  really hate about good days and bad days, is having to manage my ups and downs in the workplace. I feel in the position I am that I have to be “emotionally Intelligent” and sometimes that’s just not easier said than done.

I feel as a woman that I have to constantly self-manage myself and  for the sake of the men around me, not to mention others.  Basically, what that means, is if I want to be a good leader, good at what I do, and play with the big boys,   I  have to have a high emotional intelligence – meaning  a self-awareness, self-manage my emotions, have an “awareness” of what I’m projecting and how I’m projecting it. Well, I’ll tell you  walking on egg shells for people and being an even keel Bill and all about business Betsy is not easy.

Without sounding to sexist, I have heard these terms throughout my whole career working in places predominantly of men. “It’s not personal, it’s business”.  Yeah, then there are those chest pumpers who actually say things like,” my attitude is always the same regardless of how I feel” while virtually holding their crotch.

Oh, because your male and you can control or “stuff” your emotions better that makes you superior? Yeah, Ok!? I can play that game. Ha! Who am I kidding; I’ve been playing this game in a field mostly made up of testosterone for most of my career and I  still don’t  have the balls to play the game well. Not because I don’t want too. Trust me, I want too! I wish had that kind of bitch power over my emotions.

It does annoy me that men play the “ I’m all business” game better .  But I guess, what irks me even more is that men play this game and have no real consideration of what women go through physically and emotionally. There is just no compassion or understanding and we woman are left labeled, “emotional”.  Anyways,  defiantly sounding sexiest now, so  I’ll leave it at that, because I’m in my head at the moment and I don’t even want to open a whole other mood point door.

So what happens to the head “it girl” when she improperly shows emotions and is not fully capable of self-managing herself amongst colleagues of men?  Of course, I’m sure she’s just perceived as “emotional” or without it being said out load “it must be that time of the month”. Oh well, she basically wants to kick herself in the ass before she crawls in a hole for a few days!  You know just until the raging emotional storm passes. “She”,being me!

Ok, so I do admit having the ability to display the right behaviors when your emotions are pointing in a different direction can be very difficult for some of us women, including myself. So sorry, you women liberalist! I’m just saying it like is…

“Try as we may, we can’t control it!”

Ha! makes me thing of Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds from the movie, The Proposal? Sandra plays an executive editor in chief of a book publishing company. She is a tough boss, with a tough exterior, and she is great at what she does.

When she walks in, people warn each other, put their heads down, and get to work. There is one scene in particular that shows her firing an employee for not doing his job, and Bob didn’t take it so well.

Bob came out of his office screaming at her in front of everyone. She tells him not to do it and he snaps, calling out, “You are a poisonous b*%#@.” She held it together in front of everyone.  Later on, Ryan asks her to tell him something that he doesn’t know about her. She lists several things but one stood out which was, “I went to the bathroom and cried after Bob called me a poisonous b*%#@.”

And there it is – self-management! Been there done that!  And on some occasions, not done that!  She knew how to display the right behavior, at the right time, even though she was breaking on the inside. She knew how to control her emotions.

Well, I wish I had it like that all the time! But real world is not the movies.  Me, I often feel my own bitch face expressions when they come on, and sometimes my shear frustrations get the best of me and I will shed tears uncontrollably in face to face conversations. It’s no surprise my tone or spouting off occurs too when put in situations when I know and want to handle myself differently.

Oh, I hate when that happens!  Yeah, and usually before I can manage a quick getaway to the bathroom, I’m there standing face to face with a male showing just how “female” estrogen filled  I really am.

It sucks, because I know how important it is to remember what you exhibit to everyone on the outside is visible on your face, in your words, and in your gestures. When someone hurts your feelings, when you are angry, when you are frustrated, it is so essential to try maintaining you’re cool.

Well, I’ve heard this term too, “Tomorrow’s a new day!”   End mood point……

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Six signs that you might be afflicted by this outbreak!

Ahhhh, springtime fever is now a full blown illness! There is just something about the outset of summer that plagues me, makes me a little restless, a little more neurotic than normal, hungry,  a little antsy for … something, although I struggle to put that “something” into words.

Yeah, it is that something — something beyond description that flutters inside my soul that constantly tugs at the back of my mind — that creates an added sense of wannabe laziness and mild case of no motivation to work at all!

More like fighting the insanity to leave it all behind!  Burning desire to go on Sabbatical, on an adventure, drop the top on the convertible, to get away and drive!

A longing to just lay around, to bask in the sun, to tan and wear less clothing , drink blended margarita’s,  inhale the smoke from the BBQ , suck on old fashion Popsicles and evening skinny dipping with the Mr.

Here are six signs that you might be afflicted by this outbreak of sunshine too…or maybe you have your own symptoms of the summertime plague?

  1. You become the no bra wearing, strapless sundress girl next door who doesn’t care what the neighbors think! As you water the lawn by hand holding a hose as the sun goes down. Something about the cold water running down the hose end making you slosh around the grass in your bare feet is refreshing.
  1. Your coffee press is now replaced by the blender for smoothies and protein shakes, of coursing “juicing” and protein shakes should’ve started happening a few months ago!
  1. You ditch your warm cozy Uggs boots for flip flops and your inner no shoe wearing Pocahontas takes over your desire to even wear shoes at all! So much so, you almost forgot to put them on today!
  1. You can’t seem to get enough sleep, because the longer days have you all confused and messed up, so you stay up way past your bedtime since it doesn’t even get dark till almost 9pm and it still feel like its 6pm!
  1. You can’t seem to keep enough Claritin on hand because you and the Mr. have chronic allergies due to all the wonderful fresh air flowing through the open windows in the house…
  1. You no longer have the ability to hide the extra lbs you put on under bulky sweatshirts and long layers. Summertime reality slaps you in the face every time you look in the mirror; it’s too late to do anything about it, because you should’ve started working out in January to look your best now for June!  But you try… The affliction that you’d rather look good in a bathing suit and actually wear those 101 tank tops you own and pair them with a cute short than to feel hot and uncomfortable trying to hide your shameful chubby self, eats at your confidence and makes you really give some thought to do something about it! (once again) .

Yeah, I’d say I’m defiantly feeling ill!  How do you feel?

 

 

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Sit still my little monkey!

I guess all this plate spinning in May has finally caught up with me this month. Now, I’m walking around with a fever and nasty chest cold. Go figure, full on head and chest cold on the onset of summer.  Really!!?  Urgh, I have no time for under the covers, out of commission, pity parties and monkeys on my back!   Although right now the thought of being back in bed is incredibly enticing.  Hack, hack, yup there goes a lung! I already missed work on Monday! So, can’t do it!  Too much to do at work and on the home front. I  just need to plow through this fatigue, migraine , mucus and overall yuckiness the remainder of this week.  Hopefully, I will feel better come Friday.

After all, I only have three more days before I head to college town to load up the little one and bring my girl and her U-haul full of belongings back home.  It’s been 5 years since I dropped my baby girl off at her dorm and we both went on our separate journeys. Now, 5 years later, she’s coming back to the nest and thus new journeys will begin.

I know she feels nervous, anxious and bit scared of the uncertainty the future holds.  But what she doesn’t realize is that all this  emotion is completely normal.  Most people spend their adult lives projecting their thoughts and actions into the unforeseen future.

I know, I spent plenty of years wasting time and energy fretting over, “When will I fall in love?’, “Will I ever marry?”, “Will I find a job I love?”” Will I ever make enough money too..?”  Will I this and will I that”, instead of just enjoying and appreciating all that I had in the present.

Yeah, I guess now that I’ve reached some sort of contentment in my life, it’s easy for me to sit here and say “just live in the moment”.  The truth is life unfolds in the present. But so often, we let the present just slip away, allowing time to rush past unobserved and  unseized.  We squander away the precious moments of our lives as we worry about the future and ruminating about what’s past and what’s already gone and what’s yet to come.

Well, as they say, it’s a little easier said than actually done. (sniffle, sniffle)  I’m one to talk. Often, when I’m at work, I fantasize about being on some grand extended vacation (or back in bed with my sick self)  Ha! Then I actually think, if I was on an actual vacation, (or home sick)  I know I’d worry about the work piling up on my desk.  And sometimes, even though I have twenty plus more years to work, I find myself thinking about my retirement, “what will I do?”, “will I have enough money saved?”….

Yes, your mama is so human! And so are you!  I too catch myself dwelling on intrusive memories of the past and on occasion agonizing about what may or may not happen in the future?  I know it is sometimes is difficult to appreciate the living present because our “monkey minds,” dangle from thought to thought, swinging from branch to branch.  It’s not easy going out on the limb and then sitting still not worrying if the branch is going to break or where you’re going to  land to get your next banana fill.

I guess it is a little hypocritical to give such motherly advice, “Honey, just live in the moment”.  I know it’s difficult being mindful and giving intentional attention on the present. Little one, you’re not alone, most of us who have had some life experience still don’t accept our thoughts or lives in the present awareness. Rather,  we let our thoughts control us, coursing through our mind jungle nonstop without taking in the scenery that surrounds us.

However, If could give you some bit of advice right now,  just try your best to become mindful, realize that you are not your thoughts;  sit still my little monkey, the branch is not going to break, there is plenty of nana’s.  Be an observer ; rather letting the jungle have jurisdiction over you.  Instead of letting your life go by worrying and without living it, awaken to wonderful experiences and appreciate all that life is in the present~ right now!  (ah- chu!)

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Excuses, excuses, everyone has them!

Gee, I really need to log on and attend all these meet and greet weekend sessions. I really want to meet some of you fabulous people and introduce myself.   One of my many motivations to explore a different type of social media was to be a part of a community of like-minded musing, rambling, inscribing, creative types like myself.

But of course, I’ve created a mile long to do list again for myself this weekend that really needs to be done in order to prepare for next few weekends to follow.   I know, excuses, excuses, excuses!

Excuse the mess!  I need to thoroughly clean my house this weekend!  The dishes that have piled up the last 2 days and need to be washed and excuse me but my dogs are shedding like crazy and my floors have small dust bunnies swirling around that I need to be chased down with a broom and wet mop!  Oh if I hadn’t looked over there! All that white and brown fur all over my dogs bed,  let me just through that in the washer too.  Oh, shoot, excuse me while I do the rest of my 3 loads of laundry.

In between the loads of laundry, I will be opening a week’s worth of mail, paying bills, addressing invites, watering the gardening and pulling weeds.   Which reminds me, by the looks of my hands and feet a manicure and pedicure is much overdue!  Well, hope the sun is shining, because the car needs washing too before I head on out on my errands.

While I’m out squeezing a small minor self-tune-up in, I better make good use of my outing and make a few pit stops. Because, god knows living out in the sticks! You best get done what you can while you’re in town.

So, excuse me while I drive 30 minutes into town to  run to the post office to mail out these grad party invites! That reminds me!  I need to stop at that store for some supplies to finish crafting a surprise!  Yeah, I got to go into that other store to buy some more pots because the dog ate my plastic ones.   Yup, the “dog ate it!” is not an excuse.  Of course, I want everything to look just right come two weekends from now when I have guests, so a few more patio must-have’s  need getting.   That reminds me, the garden needs a few more cucumber plants while I’m at it.

Oh geez, I haven’t self-maintained enough these days, because I have NOTHING  appropriate to wear that fits for next weekend’s event!  So, excuse me while waddle my little chubby self into probably a few more stores before I hit the road back home crying because I’ve gained too much weight!

Oh wait! I can’t go home yet!  The Mr. and I need some self-maintaining necessities! Urghhh,  I can’t go another day without razors!   Okay, real quick in and out to Target! Oh that’s funny, since when is going into Target ever real quick!

Dang it! The  hubby needs to be fed this weekend too!  Although, I’m sure after being totally deflated by buying clothes, the last thing I want to do is go to the grocery store.  Not to mention dirty up the kitchen cooking with dishes I just cleaned.  But, that’s life when you’re on a budget!  Besides we ate out Friday night.

Excuse me while I unload my car full and put away my groceries.  I can’t meet you now, because the Mr will be home in 30 minutes and being the good wifey I am, I have it ready and hot when he gets home!

Sorry!  Excuse me! I need to kick off my shoes now and pour me this glass of wine (or two).  Yes, I have a good excuse now, I’m not going to be the drunken blogger!  I do look forward to meeting you another time;)

 

 

 

 

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Life is good although crazy busy!

I try to make a point to read and write something every day.   Although, May has brought on quite the busy month and I don’t seem to have much free me time.  It seems between the Mr. being back on day shifts, plus all the “stuff” we got going on around the house.  Appointments, holidays, birthday’s, home improvements, graduations, gardens, plus party planning and moving preparation. Yay! baby girl coming back home!    There are just not enough hours in the day for me to just sit and contemplate.  I’m lucky if I’m able to jot down a few sentences in my journal and spending a quick 5 minutes here and there scrolling through others blogs. Yeah, a few free hours to curl up with a good book is just not happening this month.  However, I’m not complaining!  Life is good although crazy busy!

Some days I scroll through blogs and find nothing of real interest and/or as if everyone else is just as busy in their life too and not writing as much.   Then other days, I log on and I’m flooded with good reads.  It’s morning like this where I can peacefully sip my hot tea and take some extended time to digest the beauty and craziness of others thoughts and lives.

It amazes me how some people articulate their struggles and daily walks of life into straightforward written words that in turn are so up-lifting and inspiring.  How some give me that sense of “awe” or “I can relate”, or how they create a paradigm shift in my thinking that take me from one realm of comprehension and understanding to another.

I find myself reading and feeling a mix bag of emotions, from laugh out loud, that’s some funny shit!   To “OMG”, I want to reach through the computer screen and give that person a hug or my shoulder to cry on. Um, here’s a tissue! Then there is others that you just want to shake and say “wake the f’ up!”

I try to stay away from the “mommy” blogs, they are just so a dime a dozen for me. Don’t get me wrong, I totally  appreciate stay- at- home moms. In fact, I’m even a bit envious.  But, you can only read so much  play-dates,  diy,  teacher conferences,  recreational sports and shared recipes.  I know the super mommy of 5 is amazing to do all that! I don’t know how you manage to find the time to write about it. But you go girl!  Honestly, better you than me! I’d lose what little sanity I have left in me if I had that kind of life.  Yes, it makes me truly appreciate mine!  Heck,  I’ll take my busy over your busy any day.  In fact, guess I’m not that busy after all.

Then I read, the college graduate struggling with emotions of “now that I got my degree, I should have everything in life figured out”. Yeah, that one hit home this morning and made me think of my daughter and all the bitter sweet emotions she is dealing with as one chapter in her life comes to and end and another one about to begin.

While some humble me others give me a sense of sympathy. Such as the narcissist writer who measures blog success on the lack of likes and has no shame in vocalizing his/her perception of fellow readers, projecting presumptions and pessimism.   Although at the same time, I appreciate them for having the courage to openly share their emotions, good, bad or indifferent.  Yeah, we should all learn to “reach out” more and be human.

After all, we all have good day and bad days, such as lazy days and busy days! But most importantly what we should remember is that no matter what you think your life picture should look like or what you think your place in this world should be.  Just appreciate it for all that it is.

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I got a bad case of Biophilia!

I got a bad case of Biophilia! Yeah, I know kind of sounds dirty doesn’t it? No, I don’t have some nasty STD.  In fact, it’s actually kind of desirable.

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The Mr. and I have become very passionate with the subject of “botany”. I’ve been quite the indoor plant nerd and he the outdoor gardener geek.  Just us two amateurish botanist researching and learning all about indoor and outdoor plants that we can.  It’s no wonder Spring rolls around and we got a bad fever!

I can’t control my desire to run my fingers through the earth and tip-toe barefoot through the lush green grass.  It feels so good to have the slight warmth of the sun touching my bare skin and to breathe in the fresh air as I gaze across the raised garden bed admiring the Mr. shirtless tending to our plot of home grown love. I love how he takes his time getting to know and understand all the garden’s needs. I look forward in anticipation to the day when I can wrap my hands around the full grown fruits of our labor and savor the organic tastes that we made together.

My ambitious botany partner has actually built a whole Aquaponic Garden
system too and it’s been quite enjoyable watching him become so passionate about the project. Now that we have reached our aspiration of buying are own home, it has given us an opportunity to start rooting our fantasies of having a lush garden.  I know it seems like such a simple thing to cultivate a garden of your own.  But to us, we are now living our dream. It’s not just something anymore we sit around imagining and chatting about, “someday when we own our own home, I’d like to have a huge garden”, it is now a vision that we have sowed and planted seeds to make a reality together.

While I love spending time in the yard with my husband getting dirty and admiring him as he evolves into Mr. Green Thumb.   I’m also very content indoors, where I have some of my favorite other companions.  Whom I on occasion  whisper sweet nothings too when I’m wetting their soil and tending to their basic needs.

I ‘m especially partial to my split leaf philodendron, just one leaf by itself is so gorgeous. 6551097e3cc49d8548f5610afbbaff12 But a whole plant in the room and I can’t help to admire it every time I enter the space. It amazes me how bringing full plants into the house makes me feel.    A sense of peace, calm and serenity, much like my marriage too.

Not only do they clean the air we breathe, they add so much life and visual impact to our home.  It’s like a daily dose of nature chill and relaxation.  Okay, enough of my plant yearning! I highly recommend you go get dirty and
plant some seeds of your own! Once you go green you never go back!  Your mind and soul will love you!

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Shh. Don’t talk about it. — Reaching Higher

I’m in awe over some of the blogs I read. It is so humbling the things people share about themselves.  I came across this today, and it really  struck a cord with me. Since I too am close with what I consider a beauty queen  and first hand know the struggles she deals with. So, this “reblog”  is a special dedication to “you know who”. I hope you come across my blog too and read it.I know you already know this, but I’ll say it again, you are not alone!

Thanks to the author for having the courage to share!
via Shh. Don’t talk about it. — Reaching Higher

“Just stop worrying about it.” “Stop being so dramatic.” “Cheer up!” “Why are you choosing to be in a bad mood?” “Just do it. Everyone gets nervous!” If you’re like me, you’ve heard these phrases all your life, eventually believing that you were just a worrywart, a chicken little–always crying “the sky is falling.” You accepted […]

via Shh. Don’t talk about it. — Reaching Higher

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Much like a perfect marriage. There is no perfect combination”.

 

Being a female cigar enthusiasts myself. I love this blog post so much so I wanted to share it. So beautifully written- Thank you Musings of a Mad Woman!  It is true cigars are like a fine good woman, “Cigars require to be touched, appreciated, smelled before even..”

The sa791e8d3b9aca8c491935970e08d19a8cme holds true for me,  a good cigar for me with a nice red wine is a completely pleasurable experience. Especially when it’s shared on a beautiful evening on the patio with the Mr.

It’s so true finding the perfect cigar to go with your drink of choice is an obsession.  ” you can’t possibly smoke them all to find the perfect combination. Much like a perfect marriage. There is no perfect combination”.

“The cigar is something that commands respect. It is made for all the senses and all the pleasures; for the nose,the palate,the fingers, the eyes… a good cigar contains promise of a totally pleasurable experience” – Zino Davidoff  […]

via Obsessions, More Lovers and Demons — Musings of a mad woman

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Who wants to do the hokie pokie lipstick shade shuffle?

What’s wrong with our society? Whoa Nelly!  Okay, I know that is a lot of question to ask.  Honestly, what’s not wrong with our society!? However, I’m not trying to open Pandora’s Box here. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea of why the young millennial women are spending thirty plus bucks on lipstick!  By the way, yes, I’m jumping on the “millennial” word usage bandwagon.  I keep hearing the word being used frequently lately like it’s some new cool catchphrase. You know, like in the 80’s when everyone was saying expressions like, that’s Rad!  Bombdigity, and it’s like totally bitchin!

Anyways, let me rephrase my question. What’s wrong with our generation of young millennial women who are getting excited over purchasing lipstick like they are the Shiz Nits that just won the lottery?  I like to consider myself a hipster kind of mom, but I just don’t get this whole trendiness over  Kylie Cosmetics .Yeah, like take a Chill Pill Chica’s!

Oh don’t get me wrong, I love my face paints too!  In fact I will on occasion splurge and pay for quality products.  Although, I’ve yet to find something that will truly cover my dark circles under my eyes.  I sure wish the raccoon look will come in style. Oh, like that’s going to happen!   Anyhow, lipstick is never on my indulgent list of cosmetic splurges.

The problem with me and lipstick is that whenever I try to wear it’s like on for a minute.  I do this whole routine, what seems like a 5 steps process of getting it put on just right!  I prep my lips first by exfoliating them, then prime , outline them perfectly with a lip liner, do the hokie pokie lipstick shade shuffle and  blowing myself a half dozen kisses in the mirror, turn myself around…

Then just when I think I’m all that with my pretty lips, sure enough I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth or all of a sudden I’m so thirsty or hungry  there is no  kryptonite  strong enough in my lipstick from stopping  me from put something into my mouth.  Sure enough, I got lipstick on!  My husband will want to kiss me too!

So, while I love the whole pouty nude lip glam appeal. I’m just not going to waste my effort or my hard earned $30 bucks to look cute before I can even get out the door.  I’ll stick to my “Friday favorite” e.l.f. Lip Exfoliator, ($3 @ target), $99 cent tube of Carmex , my $26 dollars savings and still pucker up to be kiss-ably Fantabulous! Muah, Happy Friday!

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“I brake for no good reason!”, “Caution, idiot on board!”

Hey you!  Why don’t you put your foot on the gas! Geeesh! You nearly got me run off the road, sideswiped and killed by a semi! Ok, So I exaggerate a lit bit. But still, your driving sucks!

Dude, I totally get it! I too am up at the crack-o-dawn headed to where ever it is I’m going. The sun isn’t even out and it’s way too early for anybody to be out driving on the road. Happy Hump day! I’m thinking I’d like to be back in my warm cozy comfy bed too with my hunk of a husband who has off today.

Yeah I know, I wouldn’t want you to drive the speed limit because you might spill your hot coffee and burn yourself. God forbid, you have to turn around and go back home to change your britches. But could you please wipe the crustiness from your eyes and wake up the fudge up and pay attention to the other early birds driving on the road too!

Who do you think you are king of the 2 lane back roads!? What gives you the right to take your time and drive 30mph. Look around you! We are not in bum frock Egypt, cow town, maybe? But, you are not on a frickin tractor! Hello! Look in your rear view mirror, the rest of us behind you obviously have somewhere to be. What does the world evolve around you? Nope, I guess we just all need to speed up and go around you! By the way, I also didn’t see a road sign that reads, “This road was dedicated to Joe Blow driving Mitsubishi’s”

It’s bad enough you have a rear light out and it’s obviously nobody’s home either! It’s no wonder your back-end is all smash in too. Someone probably ran into our snail trailing, ugly, green awful Suzuki POS because you obviously don’t know how to drive it.

Why are you driving so slowly anyways? I don’t see grandma in the car? You don’t appear to be grandpa either. I also don’t see a gang of munchkins riding along. Did you come off the banana boat yesterday and just get your license? Are you afraid a chicken may cross the road?

Seriously, your license plate should read #1AHOLE and perhaps you should have a bumper sticker that states, “I brake for no good reason!”, “Caution, idiot on board!”

I know I should probably have a little more patience and sympathy, because really I have no idea what kind of morning you are having or perhaps what kind of car problems you are experiencing?

Maybe you have your foot all the way to the metal and that’s as fast as you can go? Maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and don’t give a shit what the rest world thinks. “It’s my morning and I will drive as slow as I want to!”

That’s fine, I understand we all have car problems once in a while and it’s totally human to have a bad morning. However, please, please, please pay attention! I love my life and want to wake to see another break of dawn!

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Open letter to my daughter graduating college..

To my daughter….

As the next several weeks approach, words cannot begin to describe how proud I am of you! As mothers we are sometimes burdened with the thought of releasing our daughters alone into this world that can hold such tragedy and heartache. As your mother, since birth I have envisioned a perfect world for you,  like having a mother and father always present and tolerant society in which to raise you, but you know that hasn’t been our reality.

Even through it all, it amazes me to know that in some miraculous way I was able to put all my worries aside and  raised a loving, caring, conscientious young lady who can go forward and continue to create a more beautiful world.

You have grown so much over the last five years in so many ways away at college. Physically, you are just stunning, but more importantly mentally and emotionally you are bigger than I could ever imagine.  Education wise you continue to grow and learn. Even now when you do not care for the subject in which you have chosen to major in , you finished what you started.  Regardless, You just never quit!  That’s right, mama didn’t raise a quitter! It all seemed impossible and now it will finally be done!

Beyond your BA, college has offered you knowledge in other things, so who cares if you changed your mind and now what to pursue other avenues. What matters most is you did it! You got your degree! Now, with that in hand,  I say go for whatever makes you happy!

I find myself having amazing conversations and revelations with you . Believe it or not I am always learning something new from you. Every day I am proud of the young adult you are becoming and I know you will make a difference in this world.

Before you know it, college life will finally be over .  What an exciting new chapter in your life. You have the opportunity now to explore who you are and what you may really want to become. This is a time in your life to look both inside yourself and forward to what may be. In whatever you choose I know you will do your best and will continue to grow along the way and I will support you in those choices whatever they maybe.

My baby girl, you have exceeded my biggest hopes and dreams for you thus so far.  If I could have put a personal order in, or written an exact recipe for the perfect daughter, you could not possibly have been any better than the young woman you have become.

No one is perfect, of course, but the wonderful part is that you strive to achieve your personal best and by doing so you challenge me to become a better woman as well.You are constantly challenging your mind, your body and your soul, all with grace and humor and well sometimes with anger and doubt, but that has only made you stronger!

Honey, I know sometimes you look at this unsettled and unfair world, but little one do not fear the unknown. For as they say, life happens when your busy making other plans. So, my best advice to you, just live your life one day at a time  and  continue to seek knowledge and new challenges as they come.

I know you will conquer it all very well, you always do!  You are, and will continue to be; a woman who will make things better and brighter! You make me very proud to be your mother!

Love Always,

~Mom

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Two birds of a feather that flock together

Well, the weekend happened and I just didn’t get an opportunity to back it up, put her in park  and unload my heap of mind waste to recycle it into some worthy written words. Good thing I’ve been carrying around a notebook lately to jot down and reuse those moments of mine for inspiration.  If it wasn’t for pen and paper in hand, I would not remember what exactly those subliminal scrolling marquee’s and flashing signs in my head where alerting my subconscious awareness to remember.  I guess that comes with age, you can’t remember what happened 15 minutes ago nonetheless 24 hours ago.  I’ve learned I better write it down or it’s gone forever.  Or sure enough! It will creep up in the middle of the night and at some god forsaken crazy hour haunt you and keep you wide awake!

So, where do I start this slow-moving Monday morning tall telling of my weekend memoirs?  Honestly, my mind is in a complete fog and due to my participatory wifey duties of hand shoveling and dirt hauling this weekend, I’m feeling especially run over by a truck this morning. I’ve been awake several hours now, and I can’t seem to get my barrings about me to run on all four plus multi-task cylinders. Not only I’m I trying to navigate through my thick blur blanket of what was a weekend. Of course I’m also distracted trying to fully function amongst the monotonous Monday morning rush hour of paper pushing and duty calling me over the roaring sound of reports spitting themselves out of the half broken copier.  Here we go, another week of Mrs. Manager whistling the tune of, “I owe so off to work I must go!”

Wish I could just shush these super annoying voices of busy bodies buzzing about me.  Yup, I got the Monday blues, people please leave me the f’ alone!  Yeah, instead being amongst the pretentious filled nit wits of insubordinates, who seem to never be able to take a joke or laugh at themselves?  God forbid do anything by themselves without a high-five affirmation of , “yes go ahead”.   I’d much rather be with my uninhibited eccentric clan of sarcastic loving oddities, I call my family.  Whom the Mr. and I  found ourselves spontaneously spending Saturday morning with lil man and the in-laws  zoo strolling and the rest of the day with them all food grubbing, lollygagging , and  shit talking at the Mulvihill Manor.

Sunday, the calm after Saturday’s storm was spend just the two of us nestled down in our love nest.  Of course, until in which time it was for us to fly the coop and head out to Home Depot.  Where it seemed all the flocks of other weekend frenzy nesters seemed to have their feathers in a bunch.   However, we managed to grab our twigs and berries without too much injury, to our wallet that is. Well, not exactly, since we had only wanted to buy a single pot and a few veggies. Of course, being the two birds of a feather that flock together.  The Mr. and I ended up with a whole truck load of bagged earth and enough lumber to build us a 12 foot by 5 foot raised garden bed.

Well, guess I’ll have to save how we sowed seed and made our bed for another time,  since yet again duty calls for over the mountain tops of  Could You Please Get Me This and Answer Me That.

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Joy in “Alfreso” Style…

Now that the weather is warming up, the Mr. and I are starting to have lot more “alfresco” style dinners on the patio. I love this family style farmhouse patio table I bought a few months ago. Of course, me being the parsimonious kind of wife I am. I patiently waited till it went on sale and of course I had a coupon! Yup! you now know it!  “Thrifty” is my middle name and being a couponing queen is part of my game.

To some it’s just a dining table, Whoopee woo!! a place to put your plate down and grub, right!? Wrong!  To me, I can’t help but look at this table 7233ca04280ec740bca6960fbaf5beba.jpgand see a place where conversation flows and laughter is shared.  Where a little boy’s or young woman’s dreams might be rooted. Where time-tested recipes will be served and new experimental ones tested! Where copiously cups of the finest will be poured and thus probably over flowed too!  Oh yes,  there will be plenty of cheap date nights of candlelight dinners  here at this table,  well because “home” for us can be just as romantic as a fancy dinner and a table for two.  Joy in its simplest form will come from this wood! Friends and family will connect around this table; many of memories will be shared and made and rekindled.  We’ll come with our bountiful of good eats, fix ‘ins and plenty of messes. It will cultivate a life well lived of entertainment and enjoyment.  Around this table we will grow together and root part of our Mulvihill legacy. So, come on over I’ll say, “have a seat and a drink” (or two). ~ Cheers to the Mulvihill farmhouse family table!

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Morning Bud!

 

The last few weeks when I have pulled into work and parked in my regular parking space, I’ve noticed there is this random beautifully bloomed miniature rose bush nestled among the commercial grade greenery. Even amongst the slightly overgrown bushes, I can’t help but notice its vibrant color peering through them.  Each early break of day I see this hue staring back at me as if it is reminding me of something.   Yet, I just hurriedly rush past it and go about the busyness of my day. 

However, this morning I took a few extra seconds to admire my little buds and it’s “Good Morning” vibes it greets me with.  Snip!  If you can’t stop to smell the roses more than for a brief moment, then just take a part of it with you to admire and remind you all day of the beauty of life around you.

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To Infinity and Beyond!


Ouch! Urgh, damn Buzz Lightyear!  You’re lucky I don’t to “infinity and beyond” your tiny little action hero plastic butt in which I stepped on.

Now I got “Infinity and Beyond” stuck in my head like some music lyric I can’t stop singing. Hmm, maybe I should try my hand at writing music? La, La, la skyrocket me to the skies of your serendipity. Let me experience the magic and serenity as I soar above the magnificent scenery of life… la, la, la…to infinity and beyond!

Nope, that didn’t work! Guess I’ll stick to just rambling.  Where there is no place where the truth is more important for me to cling to than through my written words; yet having the courage to articulate, express and expose those authenticates of my life in such way PicsArt_1461097516235that I do, sometimes is a blessing and a curse.   This vast space between what we actually live, breath, think and do and that of which we wander out into the internet cosmos and reveal with and about ourselves and others in our world is a dangerously fine line.  Who knows better than a decade old plus cyberspace word rambler. This interplanetary space enables and empowers us to do, say and be so much.

Well space rangers,  I’m not responsible for what others interpret and take from their “inter” space journeys, whether it is through my gateway or some other cluster.   One must know, when you wander into this intergalactic world your immediately shoved into the working and living spaces of another populace.  You sign on and “discover” and explore and immediately are confronted with a thousand astronomical people whose stories are wildly expressive and beautiful and it so easy to be human and to feel envy or any other numerous human emotion.   Of course, sometimes what we see and what we read may not be the whole truth (really it never is) but nonetheless our human hearts overlook the fact and start comparing and analyzing every aspect of our existence to someone whose x-files are better than ours. In a flash, we’ve forgotten our enough-ness and we start stretching for something additional, something supplementary, something further, we interpret and react.   Alienated, we let discouragement and disappointment  overwhelm us and send us grasping for something more superfluous. The truth is our status in this world has absolutely zero impact on our compared identities and our place in it.

Whether or not I have put in my time travel or measure up to my own expectations and success, I do know this…. today I am enough and I will continue to voyage and journal my experiences the way I see my world, even if at times it is through rose colored lenses.  So, as I embrace letting go of somethings in my life and gain introspect to do others, I’m keeping myself grounded by moving and holding fast to this reminder. It doesn’t matter what I expect, it doesn’t matter what others expect of me, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter!  Whatever I am or am not here on this planet, and I am still here breathing and living and I’m still going to do whatever it is that is my destination….to infinity and beyond!

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I like the way she holds her power tools..

     I just  love that cute petite bodacious blonde that  buys old dilapidated homes and refurbishes (rehabs)  them into classic modern day beauties, of course next to that other  renovating  cutie Joanna Gaines.  Umm, yeah no, I’m not into women. But I will admit,  I do admire  women who are strong, independent , attractive, and  DIY “ers!” Celebrity status or not! You know the type, you can just look at them and see they obviously know that taking care of themselves first is important.  I don’t really know how to describe it, it’s just that some women have that magical pizazz about them.  There is something about Nicole Curtis that screams that same  “impressive” and  “power-house” kind of gal to me. rehab addict  Perhaps, it’s the way she holds her power tools? By the way, I’m a firm believer that all women should own and know how to use power tools. Anyhow,  I guess if you want to say “I’m attracted” to those types of women, perhaps I am! Although, I think I’m more  attracted to what they represent. Their work ethic,  family values, and of course their sense of vintage style. I love the opening lead in of Nicole’s show where she uncovers  a stair railing that’s  been enclosed up with plywood  and in an agitated frenzy rips it off and  says  “who does that?”, or when her little half pint self is swinging a hammer to sheet rock and excitedly saying ” I just want to find brick!” Exactly, what I say sometimes when I’m reading or writing except I’m thinking  “Who says that?” and “ I just want to write!” I hope just maybe in my  world of restoration and “fix her ups, ”  people more than houses will rebuilt, revive, and re-claim those old parts of the person they use to be.

 

 

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I don’t do “X” and I don’t do “Y”…

Writing publicly past and present has changed me, in ways I‘ve recently begun to grasp again. In wonderful, crazy, lift-you-off-the-ground kind of ways and that makes me want to keep writing and sharing no matter what someone has to say about it.

When  I write publicly,  I do it for a purpose, my main reason, is I want to create a “history” of who I am to share with following generations of  my family. 

Think about it, if the founding men and women in history never wrote or expressed who they were, we today would not have a history of the past.  My other purpose is I hope openly sharing myself will be of use to someone.

 In my past experience as a “blogger” or even in casual posting on other social media’s  the responses I get are often incredible — people tell me how much a post or my blog in general has given them a good idea, inspired them, lifted them up or I’ve  been someone they can relate too, or even  changed their lives. 

When you put something with good intention out in the world and you openly share; you have no idea what kind of impact it might have on others. – It’s called giving unconditionally.  It might do nothing, go now where and just be stupid and ridiculous to some. 

  Trust me I’ve experienced plenty of “nothing” responses from sharing myself,  but on the other hand  it could  be that one  idea or thing you shared that has a profound effect on someone’s life. That to me that  is truly powerful!! 

Well, there are many reasons, but if no other reason than that, I think that it is a reason for more people to open themselves up.

Being paralyzed in insecurities and fears by putting your soul out in the world for all to criticize is a complete waste of negative energy. Unless you are above being the average everyday person and living amongst the rich and famous, I just don’t understand the reasons to be excusably “private”.

 What really is there to hide about yourself? I don’t understand this mentality of “I’m a very private person”, so I don’t do “X” and I don’t do “Y”. 

 One thing I’ve learned, above all, is this: the life that my writing and sharing it with others in a public way has changed more than any other is my very own. 

 So, whether you’re an open book publicly or not, writing is an incredible tool for learning about yourself.    It’s a way to reflect on what you’ve been learning through living. 

But on the other hand, when you put yourself out there and share more of that life experience and knowledge with others you benefit not only yourself but you give back to the universe.  

Through writing and reading, you learn from the success and failures of others, you see what’s good about you and what may not be so good about you. 

 So I say, allow yourself to ascertain and to engage in wider conversations, give back to the world and let people know who you are.  In doing so be genuinely happy for people, It’ll make you happier too!

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Inhale the good shit and exhale the bullshit

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I’ve had this strange obsession with  Thai Iced tea’s and curry lately. In fact, I’ve given up my coffee and my regular hot mint tea and been making my own brews of Thai teas, of course with  BOBA too! Yum!  And, tonight I made Thai Turkey zucchini meatballs with red curry.  Yeah, I know how “Thai” is that really?   Well anyways, while I was stirring my nontraditional curry, I was thinking about these abnormally weird Thai cravings of mine.   In my oddness, I thought could there be some correlation to my cravings and some insignia? Ya know, like Buddha himself speaking to me. Of course my knowledge of Buddhism is nonexistent.  So, without burning my meatballs, of course I turned my attention to a quick google search to give me a crash course.

In my five-minute study, I learned Buddha was not a god nor did he claim to be. He was just a simple man who taught and shared a path to enlightenment from his own life experiences. Hmmm? I’m a simple woman. What I didn’t realize in my own ignorance as I read was the symbolism in the Buddha statues.  I thought those little Buddha statues I see primarily in the salons where I get my nails done, where some sort of idol worship.  When in fact those statues with hands rested gently in a bald fat man’s lap wearing a compassionate smile are just simply a reminder for us to strive to develop peace and love within ourselves. Ok, now I have a whole new appreciation for bald fat men, I think!?!?

Ok, so I speed read through this while concocting my  ginger, garlic, red pepper flake ,coconut  milk , tomato paste, red curry sauce. Stir, stir…. the teaching is that wealth does not guarantee happiness and also wealth is transient. The people suffer whether rich or poor, fat or skinny, dumb or smart (I added that part), but those who understand these teachings can find true happiness. Hmmm? Happiness…I read on.  If you just understand that life is sometimes suffering.  We have pain, we get older, we get sick, and ultimately we die! Gee, whiz I didn’t need to read that!  To add, we also endure psychological suffering like loneliness frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. Duh! Whoever is older than five, knows this is an irrefutable fact of life!  I certainly knew that without reading about Buddhism.  Quick stir to my balls, and I read on…, Buddhism explains how suffering  ( I say “some” suffering) can be avoided and how we can be truly happy.

So, if I’m understanding all this correctly? Our suffering is caused by our own longings and loathing.  Ok, so my interpretation is that if we expect other people to conform to our expectations, if we want others to like us, if we do not get something we want, etc, etc, etc.  In other words, getting what you want does not always guarantee happiness.  Ummm, I wonder if it was Buddha who said “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to lower your need to want.  Hmmm, another revelation I just had? Could explain why I’m on this “minimalist” kick too.  In a quick Buddha nutshell, wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness. So basically, give up expecting so much and learning to live one day at a time and with less (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future). So if I’m digesting this (no not my meatballs, yet) …when we are happy and free from expectations, we then have more time and energy to help and love others. This is Nirvana!

In summary, be a kind human through what you say, and do. Focus your mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and develop wisdom by understanding and by developing compassion for others, because Karma is as we all know it to be. Well, you know what they say.

Ok, so you don’t need to become a Buddhist or speak a different language, just be  a kind compassionate human being, and just because you love Thai tea and curry doesn’t mean you have to give up your need for food cravings. Whew!

On last thing…. Inhale the good shit and exhale the bullshit, say it with me~ Namaste!  Supposedly, this word simply invokes a sense of sharing a spiritual connection and creates a sense and feeling of oneness and balance. Essentially, it’s a way that all humans can connect. I learn something new every day; adding this to my repertoire of words.

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I finally pulled the proverbial plug!

9ed579c49640f307dac20663714eb3ccWell, after much debate and ranting about it, I finally pulled the proverbial plug on my Facebook account!  And like some explorer lost at sea, I’m leaning in more and more eagerly toward this harmonious mirage of indulgence and gratification I once knew, the pleasure of expression, writing and freedom to cast away and be who I really am. It took a new computer and a half a day away from my wifey duties to get my site up and running. Im sorry but the laundry can wait, what is one more dish piled up and honey you’re on your own for dinner tonight! Figure it out! I FINALLY followed through on what I said I was going to do; develop my own page and start my own blog again.  I feel no longer captured, caged, and tamed by that vessel of society where I often felt displaced among a school of fish trapped in a small tiny fish bowl swimming in circles.  At the same time, I feel like I’m fresh out of water gasping for air and wanting that life line to people, places and things in my safe little pond. I’m already wondering if I should throw myself back into those waters? But then I hear the words of my Mr. saying “you look like a crazy person” when go back in forth activating and deactivating your Facebook, and my little but grown young adult child who tells me, “you appear to be mad when you do that.” Well, the Mr. maybe a little right (shhhh, don’t tell him I said so). I guess I do have my moments of “crazy”, but not being on Facebook anymore I would say hardly classifies me as crazy this time.  “Mad or upset”, not at all. Although the little one may speak some truth too; since I am premenopausal , and beginning to experience a variety of symptoms that my ovaries are failing me , I’m taking more cold showers and I have moments of angst with no real reason. Well, nothing I can do about that, Mother Nature can be cruel and unrelenting at times. I can’t control that beotch any more than I can control how others perceive me to be. So, time to open my sails and cast away to my new open world.  I’m looking forward to the people and places it may take me….

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Oh, no, no, no…I won’t go!

Metaphorically speaking I’ve been called a internet whore. Well, guess that’s a bit true since I’ve been standing on the corner of FB and instagram blvd., off and on now for a bit. I must not be all that though, because except for a few regulars nobody is really slowing down to see what I’m offering. Yeah, shame on me for being too naked in truth and too raw with my reality. So if I’m all that of a whore, I’d say I’m not very good at it! I will say my habit of sniffing out feeds has made me more of an addict though. So like any wise whore or addict there comes a time to reconsider another crutch or choose a new trick to turn. Perhaps I should go to rehab in silence. Oh no, no, no! I wont go! How about I just shut it all down and leave all the introverted voyeurist to peeking through their mindless screens of icons and gifs and streaming youtube while they keep living ficarously through the reality of us who speak our minds and are actually living, breathing and sharing .

Oddly it’s been noted that the whore is often disguised as a evangelist. If you just humble yourself for a minute and stop tooting your own ego horns and carefully listen… you might just hear the beat of her drum, the one she steps too; you know her own! And if you listen long enough you can also hear her sing, “this little light of mine I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine”. You never know it might be music to your soul? You know, she only speaks the truth because others are afraid too, she gives praise, love and worship not because of its return, she gives freely just because she has a good heart. She wont follow the herd, safety to her is not in numbers, because a good a media shepard will share the gospel of raw real true life and walk through the shadow of criticism and valleys of no fear! So what now? Whore or shepard ? No matter! Either one is on a road of redemption.

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“I must be a mermaid, I have no fear of depths, and a great fear of shallow living”

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I am fascinated when it comes to synchronicity, why because I truly believe there is no such thing as chance or coincidences. I believe everything, person, place,  or event in our lives has meaning. Don’t you ever  just think, why such randomness and improbability of certain coincidences and experiences and the timing of them in  your day- life?    I don’t know, is it all really random?  The questions that often comes to my mind, “What are the chances?”, “That was weird”, “go figure”, “are you f’in kidding me!”, “Funny you would say that?”

I can’t help but often wonder if there is some kind of meaning behind those “things” and people you meet that are by accident and coincidentally occur. Yeah, you know, the “flukes” and “wtf’s?”  that just come from left field.

Speaking of, today I met someone who I immediately connected with on a much deeper level than I have in a long time. Well, I didn’t  exactly physically bump into them in a fit of grocery cart shopping isle rage, but I can say I immediately went to Amazon and put this author in my cart! The Four-Chambered Heart: V3 in Nin’s Continuous Novel (Vol III)

Coincidence or not? I find this timing in my life, where I really want to do something different and also to write again, that I am came across reading some of Anais Nin .  What I found by accident today was meaning in her words that resonated to the depths of who I am too. I think we maybe a lot alike!

“I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, and an atmosphere, in which I could breathe, and recreate myself when destroyed by the living, that I believe is the reason, why I write”

“Write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect”

“To hell, to hell with balance! I break glasses; I want to burn, even if I break myself. I want to live only for ecstasy. I’m neurotic, perverted, destructive, fiery, dangerous, lava, and inflammable, unrestrained”

And my favorite of them all….(because who doesn’t want to be a mermaid!?)

“I must be a mermaid, I have no fear of depths, and a great fear of shallow living”

I must be a mermaid… I have no fear of depths, and a great fear of shallow living. (Write Now Journal)

 

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Bearded Burly Axe lugging type…

Urgh!  I sure wished I had saved everything I every blogged and wrote into a word document or onto a hard drive or something like “sent it to the clouds”.  Of course, back in those days there was no such thing as saving information to the “clouds.” So, sad because I had some really well written blogs back in my old “logging” days.  Ha-ha, yes, I meant to spell it with a “B”; I’m not some old “logger”, overall wearing bearded burly axe lugging type.   Well, I guess some would argue I could be pretty ballsy and in the right sunlight looking into the mirror on my car visor I can see faint signs of facial hair, but that subject is for another time. Well, now that this “B” um, “bloggness” has awaken her inner desire to write “publicly” again.  I wanted today to revisit my past and read some of those good ol’ days. But sadly, everywhere I’ve turn too to search it has been a dead end.

It seems wherever I made my mark in the past, pissed on something or more like pissed off someone. My composed and posted ramblings and utterances are “poof”, gone!  My old website of course, shut down and no way to reopen, old hosting spots, nope! Can’t find old me there either.   I even went to Myspace and logged onto my decade old account, “Oh no you didn’t?”, “Oh yes I did!” Ha! to my surprise Myspace still exists and I was able to remember my old login and password.  Whoa! Surprise, Surprise there popped open my old profile!  Well a very, very small fraction of it.  Who knew?  But nothing that I had left there as a profile, posts or my precious blogs remained. All that remained where a few ruminates of some pictures and a few old contacts who apparently never deleted their Myspace accounts either.   I don’t even know what Myspace is about anymore? If it is still a social media site, it’s defiantly not the social scene it once was.  Kind makes me think of the super popular club everyone once hung out in.  The “it” place to be  now looks like an old abandoned  building with a “For Lease” sign and cobwebs  hanging from  the front door.   I find it odd though why a few pictures remained, but nothing else?   Most defiantly no signs of my “shit-list” or my written deliberations or contemplations.    Oh well! Y’ all didn’t wanted to hear that old “crazy B” anyways.

Well, I guess it is just as well that all is lost and I’m starting with “clean sheets of paper”, figuratively speaking. Perhaps, “visiting” the past is not always the best thing to do, even if it is just blogs. Well, so they say, right? But rest assured, if my memory bank serves me well I got some chopping to do! I’ll have some good blasts from the pasts that will resurface to add to the modern mix of me.  So stay tuned;)

 

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Ready to throw in the FB towel..

I’ve tried on and off over the years to figure out Facebook’s value in my life, and I think (maybe) am finally ready to throw in the towel.

I don’t want to take nothing away from my family and friends and their enjoyment of Facebook. I know it is a major part of some people’s lives. Heck, when I’m Facebook possessed and obsessed it is a big part of my life too! Like a drug, I realize it is a source of incredible interactivity and connections. But after giving myself yet another round of Facebook decontamination and detoxification,  I clearly see the “cons” …..

It’s an enormous leech…  
I get overwhelmed just visiting Facebook, and I haven’t even bothered adding that many friends  over the years.  I’ve always kept my circle of influence limited and not add “friends” for the sake of just adding people. There’s so much going on with FB, it makes me dizzy, not too mention so much “junk” to scroll through  to get to anything good worth my time.  I’m  a big thought processing “engager”.  Which I wish more would interact/engage with one another verses just giving the “thumbs-up”  up or reaction emoticon.  But that’s a whole other “con” for me. Don’t get me started!   However, if I start engaging with a fraction of what I see, I’ve wasted long periods of pointless time and my experience doing so has been with very little return. Hmm, maybe that’s why most don’t!  Honestly, it’s completely a non-productive time sucking leech!

It’s awfully  distracting
If you want to stay in the loop and up to date with your Facebook Family and Friends, get invites and play games you have to visit multiple times a day, one can easily get sidetracked!  I have found, it will undoubtedly interrupt any prolonged period of productivity or focus on something more important. Time spent on Facebook for me has proven time and time again to be a lose-lose. I’m either wasting time at work,  reading, writing or thinking of what I’d like to share next on FB,  which again doing so has been with very little return, or spending even more time on my phone when I’m at home. I’m in front of the computer all day as it is, so when I’m home, and not working, what I should desire and embrace is an offline experiences, where people actually appreciate the real life fixations, preoccupations,  and fascinations I have.  Where they actually listen to what I say and respond with a voice  instead of a “thumbs-up” and take interest in the things I do with a true life reaction.

It’s become (maybe it’s always been)  hugely homogeneous
Except for the few and far in between it’s the same ol’ same ol, “sharing”, the same “stuff”, when everyone’s doing the same kind of things, and interacting the same exact  kind of way with each other -HELLO! Is it just me? But nobody’s unique!?!?  Nobody (well very few) are really being remarkable or sharing their real life, (ok, ok, maybe some).   In my view I see the majority really being “unconnected” to each other.  Very few people on Facebook open themselves up to vulnerability and expressing individuality and that’s where I get extremely disappointed and bored with it all.  All these cutesy pet videos, and quotable gif’s, nonsense etc  are kinda irrelevant to the bigger picture of one’s life and their relationships with others, most  peoples posts are pointless.  Maybe I’m  waaaaay too analytical, a bit extreme in  my view of FB and apparently a killjoy too. But I don’t get the value of these mindless exchanges?

Not really the Social playground I want it to be…
I love the idea of modern day networking and communication, but as a social playground, I think often Facebook doesn’t do it for me, so yeah I’m left kicking rocks! (a lot of rocks) . Of course, I’d far prefer to be with friends and family in the realworld, which provides for a much richer, more meaningful interactions and experiences anyhow. BUT, that takes more time, effort and energy. So let’s face “real time”  is really not reality either!  Life gets hectic, we get busy,  we get sick, there’s distance and sometimes you just don’t have enough hours in a day or week to keep up and maintain all those relationship in the “now”,  so then there is Facebook, everybody and their mama is there.  Many of our social interactions with each other are now virtual, however with very little tangible real life experiences or mementos being exchanged or shared.  Call me old-school, but I greatly enjoy reading or “seeing” what’s really happening in people’s life. The majority of Facebook “shares” are just not very meaningful. If dodge ball is your sport, then FB is the place to be. There’s not a lot of what I deem “quality vs. quantity “ exchanges going on through Facebook that, in my opinion, is not taking me (us) in direction of true connections. That multi-faceted, rich nature of interactions is almost completely lost on the Facebook playground . The memories and impact of those online interactions is incredibly shallow, compared to the richness  and rewards of what kind a sandbox it could really be.  So sad, so long Facebook!

It’s not at all inclusive
Well, at least my FB isn’t and by choice. Maybe that’s where I need to make a change? “open” myself up more to the world. Some of my best friends are not (gasp!) obsessed with FB.  My daughter and one of my best friends doesn’t even “post” or “comment” that much (can you imagine?!). If I’m relying on Facebook to drive my relationships, friendships (new and old)  and social interactions, what happens to them and me if I exclusively rely on FB for those connections? Do I get disappointed at them?  Do I not make new friends,  Do I feel a certain way, when I shouldn’t?   Do they? Do I get butt hurt when people have nothing to give back? Not always, but sometimes of course I do! All knowing that is absolutely ridiculous that I let “Facebook” affect me  so emotionally!

Do you think?  I do! It will be over soon anyway!
I remember when we all had pages on Myspace. Well , those of us who were Techno geeks before Facebook.  Then Facebook came alone and took over the world, now there is Twitter and Instagram.   Will we all move onto something else?  And what will we have to show for our time on Facebook?  Well, maybe I’ll veer off from the herd and move my own direction..

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1999 words to live by…

“Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think every thing you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic.

You have been warned~ Fight Club

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Project Life

Project Life-

Alright so I’ve babbled on before about how I love this and that , shared my out-of- the box creativity and everything in between, mostly I’ve gone on about how I’m passionate about my eclectic life as Mrs. Mulvihill and well I’ve shared this project and that project here and there, mostly mainstreaming parts of my life and thoughts privately (or not so private) on Facebook, I think the time has finally come for a proper place for me to lay down my words  and “get a room”  don’t worry I’ll leave it cracked open a little bit for you “curious” ones;)

So yup, here I am again…opening those 2002 blogging doors I once closed and redirecting my thoughts, projects,  mussing,  “doings” , carrying on’s and  world here. This is my  new place to put my pen to paper thus my keyboard strokes to black print to screen and share  Yeah, I know, I know  I’ve made claims before about how I want to make a point to write more, share more, love more and get more out of my passion for writing,  photography, cooking, creating and  well life!  Well, since I love those people who actually walk the walk and not just talk the talk, here I am!  Yeah, I know,  its just so easy now days to just slap a photo and few words on Facebook and call it a day and later re-post it as a memory. I could keep taking the easy road…but why? This 2 pint, 5’1 little sarcastic brainy act short stack  has something more to say and share.. So, I like to believe….

Ok! Alright!  let me get to the point already… So, we’ll see if this “project”  sticks or if I change  my prerogative mind, but in meanwhile welcome you to my Mulvillustrious life! Anyhow, let “document my life in a tangible way” project commence…..

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