All or Nothing..

It would appear my daily practice of writing has kind of gone to the curbside. Not that I don’t have anything to say or that I think it’s all garbage.  I defiantly put my two cents out there more often than not. Ha! My IG page proves it.  But those tidbits are usually only snapshot of moments in very few words.

I reckon when it comes to this blogging business I feel I have to put more effort into it than what I got going on right now.  I’m so like that…All or Nothing!  I suppose I also feel like if I’m going to “blog” it has to be of a minimal word count and that it has to have some sort of interesting vibe or substance to it.  Yeah, like what writer doesn’t want to capture reader’s attention.  Right!?

All this writers’ anxiety has got me twisted crazy and left me with days of blanks pages! I should just write for the passion I have doing so and not analyze my thoughts so much, nonetheless not worry so much about  content, word count and all the above that goes along with what has been deemed  by others as  this “gift”.

Though in all fairness to myself when I think beyond just the guts and the glory I get from writing and trying to give it my all, I ask myself, “why” I haven’t been lately. It makes me realize how much of Type A I am, one in which I ‘m more compulsive – obsessive than I’d like to admit.

While I’m at this self- diagnosis of personality disorders, I guess I’m more of ISTJ type (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking and Judging).  Although, I‘d like to think I’m not so much in the  introverted sensing but with extroverted thinking. Hence, that’s were my writing comes in and overshadows my everyday speaking and the need to express myself in the way that I do.   I defiantly don’t speak the way I articulate myself in words.  Although, I do speak a lot of sarcasm and that is often conveyed through my writing as well.

Well then “why!?” you may ask?  Well, I think? At least perhaps have my own self- analyzed theory would be that I’m also a hyper-focused duty fulfiller. So when I get in these modes like this nothing else matters.

And, what does that mean?  Well, I get in these life modes if you will.  I find my primary mode of living focused a lot internally, where in moments I take things in so literal and so concrete that I get hyper-focused on what it is that I’m trying to achieve.  Like right now, my primary focus has not been on writing but more so on being a person I once was both physically and spiritually.  Not to say that writing is not part of that. I just find myself not focused on the writing as much.

Of course, there is the  “secondary” mode  which is  all external, where I deal with  everyday  mundane things rationally and logically, like brushing my teeth, going to work, making sure my family eats dinner and the laundry is done, etc. It’s a challenge finding the right balance between the internal and external, and thus something always has to give. For me, it’s the maintenance of this blog.

I guess my lack of words can be described as quiet and reserved who is only interested in her own little bubble of security, peaceful living and doing her thing.  Yet, the truth is, right now I have this strong internal sense of selfish duty to myself which lends me to this excessive state elsewhere.  I’m in this serious air and motivation to follow through on what I’ve put my mind too.

Honestly, It’s been struggle to finally get my mind right and in this place.  Years, in fact! But I’m finally feeling like I’m breathing new air so I’m going to do everything in my power to stay the course.  So, yeah my methodical approach to it all is balls to the wall and I’m not allowing other distractions or “passions” if you will take my time and energy from it.   After all, I do have a job, am a mom, wife and other obligations to fulfill daily. So my every day is already limited to a certain amount of time as it is.

So with those limitations, I don’t want to find myself giving tremendous amounts of energy or “time” into doing other things which don’t see as important, like writing or this blog.  I really want to resist putting energy into things which don’t make sense for me or take away from my other focuses right now.

So there you have it…..

But you haven’t heard the last from me…

More to follow…..

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